Confronting the Void

Confronting the Void

After Sue Vanderhyde, 56, suddenly lost her husband, Sandy, four years ago, she found a healthy distraction in her work as a grade-school teacher, but at night she came home to an empty house. At first, she planned activities with other singles to avoid being around couples. "You feel very alienated from your other friends because they are couples and you're not. At first they include you, but then later, they don't quite as much."

"It was such a void," she says. But Vanderhyde responded with a determination to become more independent. To help "process" her grief, she wrote poetry, which she found spiritually nourishing, and forced herself to get out and walk in the fresh air every day. "I simply had to say, 'My life is going to be different now,'" she recalls.

"You ask, 'Why did this happen to me?'" she says. "And then you can start to feel sorry for yourself. It sounds obvious, but you really do need to stop and count your blessings."

Vietnam Veterans Memorial wallSays Kelly, "So many people have said they can't believe they survived this loss, that they thought they would die from the pain. But all they are choosing to let go of now is the pain, not the memories." She suggests holding a regular "remembrance hour" for families and friends to share stories, pictures, poetry, and memories about the partner they've lost.

Right after her husband died, Vanderhyde put together a photo album. "I didn't care if the pictures were good or not," she recalls. "I took it everywhere. I'd look at it at night, and it comforted me."

Vanderhyde preserved other family rituals, such as trips which she enjoyed with Sandy and their two sons before he died. Instead of continuing to wear her wedding band, she had both her band and Sandy's resized and gave one to each of her sons to wear in memory of their parents' loving marriage.

Margarita Suarez, a former grief counselor who is writing a book about her experience as a nurse during the Vietnam War, credits the war and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in particular with encouraging society to grieve more openly and paving the way for enlightened programs such as the hospice movement.