Quiet Heroes

He knew his son wasn’t hearing him. There is nothing he could have done. But he still wonders.

My wife and I shared a table this summer with Tom and his cousin Jeannie at a Three Dog Night performance at B.B. King’s club on 42nd Street in New York.  In the hour before the show, we introduced ourselves and began with the regular conversations that people have when they first meet.  However it was not long before we realized we were sitting with a strong and interesting man still recovering from the shockwaves of his son’s death.

Tom’s 15 year old was resting after a routine ankle operation when the blood clot found its way into his heart.  One moment Tom was having a casual conversation with his son, the next moment the boy was collapsed on the floor. Tom rushed him to the hospital but it was too late.  He lost his son.  His wife blamed him and he lost his wife.  His absence from work wasn’t acceptable and he lost his job.

Yet here he was, sitting in New York only months after a string of personal tragedies, waiting for Three Dog Night to perform.  Rather than disappearing into an isolated life of bitter self-despair, Tom was proactively doing what it takes to remain connected.  Rather than hiding within his grief, he spoke openly with misty eyes about his personal difficulties.  Tom is a survivor.

A sequence of personal tragedies can build a destructive momentum that carries on for generations if individuals respond by isolating themselves and concealing their feelings.  Although our instincts are to disconnect during tragic times, it is best to do the opposite.  Tom is an admirable example of a person taking the tougher, more connected road to eventual recovery and health.

It is said that “you don’t laugh because you feel good, you feel good because you laugh.”  Similarly, you don’t live because you feel good, you feel good because you live.  Everything fabulous that comes to us finds its way through a connection we create.  It is an honor to meet quiet heroes like Tom who have the strength to stay connected during the most difficult times.