Today
Why Men Leave: The Place of Stress and Global Warming
by Jed Diamond
Posted July 3, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted July 3, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted in
Last week, in the post titled Why Men Leave: The Real Reason Behind the Heartbreak, we had a lively discussion about men, women, and the reasons we give up on our intimate relationships. We discussed the things that people say about why they leave—reasons having to do with sex, love, intimacy, money, and attractions to youth and beauty. We also looked at some hidden reasons that most aren’t aware of that relate to unresolved issues from childhood. Today we’re going to go deeper once again and tell you what I’ve learned about the different ways men and women respond to stress and how we all deal with the heating up of the planet.
Every day, I become more aware that people are feeling the effects of things “heating up.” I don’t mean, the fact that its summer time and its easy to get hot under the collar when we’re sitting in traffic, the temperature is over 100, and the air conditioning can’t keep up with the heat. I’m talking about the fact that there are three major world-wide stressors that are causing the stress levels to go up for everyone on the planet: (1) global warming, (2) peak oil , and (3) population increase. Even those who have been doing their best to believe that the catastrophic impact of global warming is a myth are having to deal with a new reality. A 2003 study commissioned by the U.S. Pentagon warns that global warming during the twenty-first century could “result in a significant drop in the human carrying capacity of Earth’s environment…and potentially de-stabilize the geo-political environment, leading to skirmishes, battles, and even war due to resource constraints.”
It doesn't take a political scientist to wake us up to the fact that one of the main reasons we are fighting in Iraq is to get control of oil resources that we think we need to keep the American dream of “more” alive and well in the face of global changes that will make such attempts futile in the long run. Meanwhile we are adding 200,000 humans to the earth's population every day.
We may consciously be aware of the stresses related to sex, money, traffic, aging parents, balancing work and home; but we are often not aware that they are all influenced by the big three—global warming, the end of our oil based economy, and the increase of population. We are truly at a turning point in human history and every one of us feels it in our bones.
Here’s how one of the most farsighted and hopeful social critics views our situation. In his new book, The Great Turning: From Empire to Earth Community, David C. Korten says, “The defining choice is between two contrasting models of organizing human affairs. Give them the generic names Empire and Earth Community.
Empire, which features organization by domination and which has been a defining feature of the most powerful and influential human societies for some five thousand years, appropriates much of the productive surplus of society to maintain a system of dominator power and elite competition. Earth Community, which features organization by partnership, unleashes the human potential for creative cooperation and allocates the productive surplus of society to the work of growing the generative potential of the whole.”
So, what does this have to do with the reasons so many men are leaving their partners? Well, here’s my take on things. For millions of years of human history it was the men who left the safety of the camp to go walking long distances hunting for wild game to feed his family. But he didn’t go off hunting just for the food (It was the women, in fact, who gathered most of the food that was eaten by the tribe. I believe part of the job of the men was to keep a constant check on the environment.
It was the men’s job to be aware of major changes. They were the first to notice if the animals were leaving the area, or streams were drying up, or trees were dying. They were the early warning system for the tribe. When the signs in environment told them that major changes were occurring they lead their people to a new area. For them, as for us, change was difficult and there was considerable resistance to the warning signs that they would bring back.
As is part of our ancient heritage, men are aware that environmental change is upon us. Once again men are restless and have a desire to move on and deal with ecological change in a positive way. However, those who continue to be in charge of the Empire system, do not want men talking about changing the system. They tell men that the problem is with the individual. Either he has a problem or she has a problem. Take a pill, see a therapist, stop at the local bar, watch the latest reality T.V. program, buy a pizza.
Men often leave, thinking the problem is them. I hear men say, “I’ve just got to go. I know my wife and kids will be fine. They don’t really need me. They’ll probably do better without me.” Others leave thinking the problem is her. I hear men say, “I’ve just got to go. My wife just can’t give me what I need. The kids will be better off if we're not fighting. I’ll probably be better off without her.”
Few men (or women) recognize the larger social stresses that cause men to leave. I suspect as more of us recognize that the problem isn’t “her” or “him,” but the culture of Empire that is killing us all, more of us will choose Earth Community as the better option for life. Those who are living the values of Earth Community often find that their relationships improve dramatically. Instead of fighting each other, we learn to fight the lies that keep us trapped on the sinking ship of Empire. If you’d like to find out more check out David Korten’s website.
So, what’s it like for you? Do you feel the pressures of Global Warming, the End of Oil, Population Rise? Are you aware of how they impact your health and the joy you find with your partner?
Comments (33)
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted August 31, 2006 2:46 PM
Friends,
I want to be clear on this issue. There are many reasons men(and women) leave their relationships. At the most basic level it's because they don't feel their needs are being met and hope they will find something better elsewhere. When we look deeper and ask why do men (or women) feel their needs aren't being met, I suggest that the increasing stresses of life are contributing factors.
In my practice as a therapist I often see men (and women) who blame their partners, thinking, incorrectly, that if only their partner would change, life would get better.
My point is that many things contribute to our stresses. The state of the world, including global warming, peak oil, and increasing population pressures are contributing factors.
Posted August 30, 2006 9:51 PM
While this seems a very far fetched idea, it really isn't. Men, from some disallusionment have thought they should be ruling the roost now for what? the last 100 years? Earilier even. Now the man is beginning to stay home while the wife goes to work. If you look at an ant hill the queen bee is the head of the hill, thousands of years ago that was the case for humans as well. In an ant hill when the colony is run badly the one to blame would be that who is ultimately in charge, the queen bee. In an ant colony when things go awry they toss their queen. With men becoming more and more like women and vice versa the genetic coding of men and women have scrambled. So regardless of whether she was running the colony or allowing it to be run into the ground by others it is still her fault. All this is subconscious, and happens repeatedly through history. For instance, there is repeated bad conduct throughout history by men in the name of religion. These men, behaving like women to secure their territory, have abused women and turned the tables on them to gain the power they did, but in the end, even though they essentially had the power, they blamed the women for everything. And indeed, it was her fault for allowing such a ruthless turn of the table to even happen. She allowed her own demise.
Posted July 6, 2006 4:05 PM
Oh, good grief! An astroid all but destroyed the earth, killed off the dinosaurs, Krakatoa caused more changes and damage then SUV's could ever do. People think that because the climate has been relatively the same for all of their lives that if it changes it must be something bad that bad people are doing. (Not too long ago we were being told an ice age was upon us, did you miss it?) Climate has been changing for billions of years, you have to be pretty self-centered to believe that puny people can have the effects that Nature has.
And, yes, it is political. When Bush tries to tell Americans about the terrorist threat, liberals say he's just trying to frighten us. When Gore spins the facts about climate change, the rest of us say he's just trying to frighten you. It also helps Americans to feel guilty, we have it so good, it must be our fault. Bad, bad Americans. Yes, our water and air are bad, we should clean it up, but if and when the ice melts, I'll move to higher ground. If it was good enough for Noah, it'll be good enough for me. Or do you think the floods then were caused by anything other than Nature? In those days, there were floods just like today, and people had an explanation--guilt and punishment. History is replete with people being frightened by Nature, God is angry, what did we do wrong? People don't think that way so much anymore about God, they understand more about weather and climate, so if things change, they can't say it's the wrath of God, so it must be ourselves--what are we doing wrong? Guilt, guilt, guilt. Bad, bad people.
PS: If anyone has seen the movie, please post the changes you have made afterwards in your personal lives to stop global warming. As for me, I don't have an SUV, don't waste energy, what am I supposed to do?
Posted July 6, 2006 12:13 PM
I like the dialogue and encourage people to share their thoughts with respect and care.
Whatever our beliefs, we are all part of the world community and part of the community of visitors here on this site.
I suspect we would all agree that we live in interesting, and often difficult, times. We are affected by change on many levels. Whether we are male or female, we have hormonal fluctuations that affect our moods and feelings. Our thoughts, whether positive or negative, affect whether we are happy or sad. If we've had a very loving interaction with our partner we feel joy and contentment, but if we have felt put down and demeaned we feel hurt and angry.
I also suggest that the larger environmental changes, though less personal, also have an impact on our lives. If the planet is heating up, whether the result of greenhouse gases that humans produce or natural causes, we feel the heat. When we visit our childhood homes and see the loss of greenery and the increased traffic, we feel the stress.
There are some things we can do, I believe.
We can love one another just a little bit more.
We can join with others and support causes we believe are making a positive impact in the world.
We can eat food that is grown locally with a minimum of pestisides.
We can remember the words of valued elders. Elizabeth Kubler Ross reminded us that we are each like snowflakes. Each one of us absolutely beautiful and unique, and all of us here for a very short time.
Thank you for sharing your beauty in the world.
Posted July 6, 2006 10:51 AM
Wow!! Best ideas yet of excuses for how to deal with stress. If anything, stressors need to bring people together not apart and if they do apparently the partner is better off with out them. We are in the jungle of stress but the not the same jungle our ancestors were in. Educate re new coping skills!
Posted July 6, 2006 7:51 AM
No, it's not global warming or Korea. Like Anne said and you yourself have said it's women turning into men! I just turned fifty three and sorry ladies but I still want to make love a couple of times a day. I still want to see, feel, smell and taste a woman who wants to make love and orgasm. As women grow older they don't want the same intimacy and sexuality as men, at least not this guy. So we should go away and die as one woman suggested? Maybe we should find lonely younger women who still desire the touch of a man the desire of a man who needs the sexuality of a passionate woman? We certainly should not stay where we are not wanted and waste our passion and capacity for love and sex. Jed, you were right in your original reasons for why men leave.
Posted July 6, 2006 5:20 AM
Wheather global warming/oil peak/overpopulation is causing men to leave their wifes or not, I like the debate it opened up. After all, neither the nayers nor the sayers own the truth regarding this matter or any other. Every idea/hypothesis needs to be challenged. So Mr. Diamond, keep up the good work!
Posted July 6, 2006 3:20 AM
It's late in the evening and this type of rewarmed poppycock doesn't deserve the pixels expended except to note that an equally valid hypothesis of the same strength would hold that global warming is caused by men leaving their spouses. Now about that oil shortage, I believe it's caused by all those men driving cars on their way outa town.
Posted July 6, 2006 2:23 AM
Anne,
Thanks for the enlightenment. Now I know why women get those damn chin hairs. May I suggest "Crucial Conversations" @ http://www.vitalsmarts.com to help people with their relationships. Best research based program I've ever heard/seen/read.
Posted July 6, 2006 12:52 AM
The departure of men from the family unit is nothing new, they just live longer now so it's noticeable.
Only cheetahs and human females go through menopause. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. In embryonic development, every embryo starts out female until testosterone kicks in and turns about half of them into males. During menopause, estrogen levels fall and testosterone takes over. By age 50, women have become masculine (and take on the role of protector and provider for their child-bearing daughters) and men are no longer necessary. Everybody knows it, so the men leave. They used to die. This has been going on for thousands of years. It has nothing to do with gas prices or global warming, or stress.
Posted July 6, 2006 12:37 AM
Individual "man" is becoming saturated with the demands of daily life on this planet. When stone age communities - medieval communities were small men had communal jobs which they performed to help their hamlets/villages/towns cope with the requirements of the society. And, of course, all boy children, in order to learn to become men, would work along side of their fathers. Girls would work with their mothers. Thus, each child had more time to bond with a parent and be taught about their soon to be adult life in society.
Now, our world is resolved to a free-for-all in the work world. Each person is in some form of competition with the other, as small or as large as it may become. Children spend less time with their parents.
Work, although it has become safer and more civilized compared to the eking out of a living of 300+ years ago, is still the biggest stressor to the society of mankind.
The solution for America, regardless of the rest of the world, is to divide up most jobs into "two-people" jobs. For each job position two people will be hired. Each person will work only 20 hours a week in that job. The other person will take over for the remainder of the work week.
In the movie "9 to 5" that concept was shown as "flex-time" work. The benefit of this is that over a short number of years, full employment will be seen, and there may even be a wanting of workers for some positions.
A second benefit is that people will now have more free time to spend with their family and in their homes enjoying the fruits of their labors.
Salaries need not be increased nor decreased. However, the trade off for the worker will be the recovery of "time" and that time is worth more than money.
Workers lose their energy after about four hours of work so by bringing in a fresh worker the productivity should improve thus allowing for a more efficient plant/business operation and generating earnings which can support the second person's salary.
There are more factors to my "improved" society for America. Personally, I don't care what the rest of the world wants to do but if America is to continue to evolve and be prosperous it can't wear out it's productive workers before their time.
Hard work is no longer to be a positive ethic. It must now become "Smart Work." If we work "smart" we will be able to have a great quality of life in our country.
Anyway, all be well and happy.
Larry Smith
Illinois
Posted July 5, 2006 10:59 PM
This was the first, and will be the last time I ever post on this site. As an educated, transplanted to the deep South Yankee, I have had more than my share of encounters with narrow minded, self-righteous, holier than thou individuals. If ya'll choose to believe the garbage main stream media is feeding you about global warming being a myth then fine. I'll be dead and gone and ya'll will be treading water. Keep on truckin' in your Hummers, SUV's and pick ups. Don't ever read any scientific journal not controlled by big government. Under Bush even the government scientists have had to lie or be fired. So, keep on living in your state of denial. I'm out of here.
Posted July 5, 2006 10:41 PM
Adele was "spot on". Yes global warming is happening. Man has nothing to do with it nor can he change it. It's happened before and will happen again.....we will survive and adapt. And will even prosper. The stress is coming from all the "chicken littles" in the world, we'll always have them too. The idea that men run away due to "global warming" is "hogwash" and absurd!!!!!!!!!! Forget about it and enjoy your life, yes life's hard sometimes but you will persevere and probably be happy. Twenty years from now, we will look back and laugh just as we did when Dr.Paul Erhlich said "we would all starve to death in the 60's-70's" and the end was near [The Green Revolution happened and reversed his predictions]. Now we make corn/grains into ethanol!!! Before you panic, sit down and think a bit, read some history. We've been thru a lot worse....relax.
Posted July 5, 2006 10:32 PM
Let not your heart be troubled. At least not by Global Warming ... see the Wall Street Journal Op-Ed piece at
http://www.opinionjournal.com/extra/?id=110008597
and stop doing a 'Chicken Little' dance.
Posted July 5, 2006 10:14 PM
Does anyone out there know anything about science? I think not!
Global warming - Prof. Graham, Univ. of Colorado, #1 climatologist in the world - "NO GLOBAL WARMING! IT'S LAUGHABLE.", next - Dr. Lindzen,Head of MIT science Dept., #1 science school in USA, "NO GLOBAL WARMING", next - Swiss Confederation of scientists in Zurich, "NO GLOBAL WARMING!", next, World Conference of Meteoroligists & Climatologists, 2001, Hague, Netherlands, "NO GLOBAL WARMING", next, Head of the Scottish Scientists Confederation, Edinburgh, "NO GLOBAL WARMING", next - Univ. of Chicago, Science Dept, "NOT ONLY NO GLOBAL WARMING,BUT WE MAY HAVE ALREADY STARTED A COOLING TREND!!!!" - O.K. folks, when does it sink in??? Also - Have you ever heard of the holocene shift? NO? Well you'd better, or feel like a fool. - One last question now. Do we believe the REAL (& the BEST) scientists in the world - or AL Gore? (A few little extra facts if you're interested - Most of the world's glaciers are ADVANCING AGAIN - NOT MELTING! The SAHARA DESERT has had 4 major snow storms in the last 3 years - check it. This hasn't happened in all recorded history. Greenland ice cap is expanding again - big time! South Pole (Antartica) has recorded, last two years, coldest temperatures EVER RECORDED ON EARTH. MINUS 201 & 202. That's a MINUS!!! UNimaginably cold! I could go on, but, again, if you don't understand the holocene shift, you don't understand what's happening on earth. Again - NO GLOBAL WARMING - per our BEST SCIENTISTS!!! Sorry Al.
Posted July 5, 2006 9:29 PM
Global warming is not a myth and anyone who believes that has their head buried in the sand or has been brain washed by the Bush and big oil regime. We can do something about it. I urge all of you to see the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" and view it with an open mind.
Posted July 5, 2006 8:44 PM
This article is absolutely ridiculous... ever wonder why more women are opting to stay single??? Quit blaming womenn for men's problems... women just came of age within the last few years... it's us who were thought to be there only for men... it's about time they get the message that we are human, too, and have feelings!
Posted July 5, 2006 8:38 PM
Its dissapointing to see such ignorance and blindness to fact among the supposedly older and wiser in my age group.
Increased global warming due to human release of green house gasses is a fact, not a political opinion. For a large majority of the world wide scientific coimmunity competent in such matters it is now established scientifically way beyond any significant doubt. Scientific estimations by petroleum geologists of the approximate date of the peak in oil have been progressively refined for at least 30 years so that the remaining uncertainty, whether its this year, the last or next year hardly matters. The impact on resources of unlimited population growth is equally a fact, also long ago established and accepted by population biologists. We in the scientific community have tried to bring the implications of these facts on the global social and economic systems like agriculture to public attention for some 30 or more years.
That effort has not been very successful in the US, which has largely preferred to ignore these realities until now. Many alternatives to lessen the impact of all of these have been proposed by some of our best minds. Most have been ignored because the country is unwilling to accept the changes they require.
But the effects of all three of these are coming anyway and are now being felt world wide. The longer we stall on action the more difficult it will be to have any effect on the outcomes. Some economists think that it is too late to make the necessary social and economic changes and are already talking about the long transition crisis ahead.
The idea that stress from these global change is affecting family stability in the US may be debatable. But that these global changes are happening and we are doing nothing much about them is long past any doubt or debate.
Posted July 5, 2006 7:47 PM
This thread title hit me in the face as a real reach. But the responses so far (with the exception of Adele's) have been right on the money as far as I can see it. And we are not just "greenies" when we are concerned about our environment. I am almost retirement age and have been contributing monthly to Greenpeace for the last three years. If I can't get out there and help cause positive change, I at least want to contribute financially to those who can. And as far as men who leave and why--it is true--both men and women leave--and I think the older and more experienced (and empowered) we women get, the more we think--I don't gotta put up with that"--picking up after a man, cooking his food, washing the dishes, ironing his clothes. In our senior years, I think a commune again is an ideal living arrangement. A place to be together while maintaining our individuality and contributing to a society. Our baby boomer generation started the concept (or at least made it popular again) and I think it only fitting that we use this concept again if our children are not willing to include us in the living arrangements and create an extended family, as other cultures still do, and as the America of a century ago did.
Posted July 5, 2006 7:05 PM
Regardless of what is causing global warming, whether it be people or a cycle of the earth, there is really very little we can do about it. My opinion is that the passengers are being blamed for the train wreck. I believe that we, as individuals, can do little to change the global climate. There are so many real and immediate dangers and its so scary to think we are vulnerable to North Korea, to Terrorists, which we can fight, and also to Mother Nature or so called "acts of God" that we cannot fight. We want to believe there is an escape hatch somewhere and we'll be lucky enough to find it. Me, my family and Al Gore will somehow escape. I guess an optimistic attitude doesn't hurt.
Posted July 5, 2006 6:49 PM
Hey, Adele, "denial" is not just a river in Egypt.
Of course, if Peak Oil (Peak Hydrocarbons would be more descriptive) and global warming rise hand in hand, I'd love to see your house facing ever more brownouts even as it gets hotter, and wonder who you'll bitch at then.
Posted July 5, 2006 6:39 PM
I think global warming is causing some of the geopolitcal stress of the world, I'm not sure it filters all the way down to individual men in their unhappy relationships.
I think that has to do with what they wanted out of them when they entered into them, and what they want now.
I also wonder why we worry about 'Why men leave'? Who cares? Women leave too, it's just a fact of life. Many people don't take responsibility for their actions, or their lives, it's a shame for them, but they'll probably have time to reflect and regret later.
I think all beings, women and men, should try to live so they won't regret, whatever that means to them. Women and men are better off when they seek fulfillment in life from all areas and bring that back to enrich life with their partner. As soon as one hinges their happiness or fulfillment on the other, or on their children, then things change, and the flow of spirit is not the same, nor harmonious.
That's just the way things are.
I just don't understand why this is so hard for people to get. That doesn't mean I don't have issues with my spouse, after all I'm human...perfection is not an option, so I think we should just be as good as we can be, and get on with living. I'm now getting off my soapbox.
Posted July 5, 2006 6:26 PM
Sorry about the misspelling of "think". I have a new wireless keyboard that is almost as annoying as your article is.
I should have mentioned that you greenies have to realize that people need to live and in order to do that, they need jobs. You want to throw us back into the dark ages, eh?
As I said in my last post, life is difficult and very complicated. But that is no excuse for a man to walk. There is something horrid going on in our culture and I do believe that people like you, espousing such nonsense are, in large part to blame for the decay of morals in our society.
Have a "nice" day.
Posted July 5, 2006 6:21 PM
That is the most ridiculous posit I've heard lately! First of all, global warming is a natural phenomena. Even though you and Al Gore may want us to think differently, that's the bottom line. There were long stretches of ice ages and warming spells that occured long before man was here.
Secondly, I think you make the most asinine excuse for lack of personal responsibility I have ever seen!
One think you fail to mention and that is women are leaving THEIR mates in large numbers, just to get away from idiots who subscribe to your logic.
Life has always been tough. Deal with it and quit extrapolating to suit your purpose, whatever that is!
Posted July 7, 2006 12:09 PM
Stress has been existent in all our lives for zillions of years in one way or another. This is not the main reason men leave women. Men leave women for a multitude of reasons, some of them being that they wish more sex, someone younger, someone who will listen to them, someone who they can be themselves with and enjoy the same things with, perhaps overwhelming time in their lives when they feel trapped by family, not having time to themselves etc. (many of the same things women feel, they just don't always leave, they stay to keep families together) but they have a different mind.set, we are different, very different, it has been proven. We are all human beings, and each of us reacts differently to every situation. One cannot just lump everyone into the same category. I don't believe that women become "masculine" at 50, taking on the head of the family role...I do think that happens if/when a man leaves, but still not "masculine", just survival. Things can either be worked out between two people or not.. it is the dynamics of the relationship, nothing to do with outside forces in most cases (other than family/outside interest interferences). Just my thoughts
Posted July 7, 2006 2:59 PM
I won't pretend to know why someone's
wife or husband left them.
But some facts about global warming are
known.
Check out
http://www.giss.nasa.gov/research/briefs/hansen_12/
for a few of them.
Armando Howard
Posted August 1, 2006 3:48 PM
The same rationale that made up this ludicrous excuse for men leaving their partners is itself all the evidence we need of the true reason men flee their commitments: lack of desire to be responsible and a desperate need to blame something other than themselves.
Posted August 1, 2006 6:28 PM
Whoa! While the Geo- Political arena is heating up to pitch that is rapidly becoming unbearable for all, let's think about this with cooler and possibly saner heads...here goes...
Personally, I think it's all a bunch of BS; at least the "Why men are leaving their partners part". Afterall, "Y'all" men got us into this mess in the first damn place...and that's been the way it wuz since the beginning of time. So, why not spend some quality time thinking about how you can rectify the problem, instead looking for reasons to run or justify irresponsiblity...?
Just my opinion...
Posted July 7, 2006 8:30 PM
I agree with Adele. This rationale just lets men off the hook. Those who really want to walk away. Just come out with it...you men choose to stray come hell or high water. Global warming....how idiotic!!!
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