Relationships Lessons From My Birthday

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday. For those of you who are regular readers of my posts, you may remember that birthdays are a big deal in my family. This year was an especially big deal since it was a milestone.

I can't deny the fact that I did expect that my husband would do something special for me, and I had let him know some parameters of what I would and would not like. After all, no sense giving advice that I'm not going to follow myself. I absolutely believe that, as women, we do ourselves in when we don't ask for what we want.

Since I grew up in a very dysfunctional house, it's hard to really surprise me. That's because one of the skills I learned, in order to survive, was to have a heightened awareness of all that was going on. Details rarely escape me.

So, in all honesty, I sort of knew when it was going to take place and where. Of course, when you walk into a bunch of people yelling, "Surprise," it's still a little overwhelming. I went around and kissed people hello and as I turned to my left, there stood my daughter. Now, that may not sound so strange to you except for the fact that this daughter is in Australia for a year. My husband had flown her in for the weekend!

I was in shock! He had, in fact, surprised me! I cannot even tell you what this meant to me.

I must also say that the rest of the party was magnificent -- the room he chose, the menu, the time and care he took in finding old pictures. I could not have planned it better myself. (In truth, he probably could have held the gathering at a pizza place as long as my daughter was there to join me.) The evening was absolutely wonderful and one I will always treasure.

Another celebration?

So, now a week later, he and I are walking on the track. It is our anniversary tomorrow and I am talking about how we should spend the day. I remind him that I have to baby sit our grandson on Monday which means I'll sleep over our daughter's house the night before.

He comments that because of his work schedule, he misses the baby and maybe he could come up and sleep over too (though it will mean getting up really early on Monday). Though I try to be really respectful of our children's weekends together and not interfere on their time together, I say, "Well, I bet if you ask our daughter, she won't deny her Daddy seeing her son especially on our anniversary."

My husband now gets this horrified look on his face and says, "Oh, my gosh! I totally forgot it's our anniversary! I didn't even buy you a card or send you flowers." My reaction? I laughed! Truly -- and said, "You are off the hook for at least six months."

And so...

Well, I never write a blog without a purpose. But before I get to it, there are two things you need to understand. I am very sensitive about special occasions and my husband through the years has learned to be.

Okay -- so why am I telling you all of this? Well, I guess first because selfishly, since I sort of feel this is a little family, I wanted to share it with you. But mostly, because it's another lesson in how much your perception impacts on your relationship. Clearly, my husband cares about me. Clearly, he hasn't forgotten about me. He put so much energy into making my birthday celebration special that the anniversary date just got past him.

I had a choice, too. I could have reacted differently and made him feel bad. I think any reaction other than laughing would have brought about that feeling in him. And though in this case it is quite obvious all the effort that was put forth on my behalf, I really believe that it is indicative of lots of other good intentions that are misperceived.

Too often, your own sensitivities get in the way. Rather than making inquiries, you jump the gun with reactions and then your partner responds in kind. Sometimes when you have heard a vivid accounting of a story, it helps to remember the point. Hopefully, my birthday/anniversary story will be a gift to you as well.

Next week, I hope to share some wisdom from this milestone birthday.

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