Relationship Rut

One of my professional dreams is to be put out of business.  What do I mean by that?  Well, if everyone were happy in their relationships, there’d be no need for me. I really do hope that one day people will be raised in their early environments to later seek out healthy partners and also learn the skills to make their partnerships work.  But, unfortunately, at this point, my wish is still a fantasy.

Many times, in this blog, I refer to experiences that my clients are having.  Obviously, last week’s posting stirred a situation from one of the readers that I’d like to respond to since I think it’s such a common issue for so many others.  (By the way, I’d like to offer a hearty thanks to all who responded -- your comments were very caring and much of your advice was very helpful!)

As I have so often said before, when two people get involved, they are going to be different from one another.  The challenge is to bridge those differences respectfully.  However, in doing so, it doesn’t mean that one person totally adapts to the other and in the process gives up self-respect.

Some facts about relationships

Being in a relationship is supposed to make you feel good most of the time.  There’s a theory about relationships that is best expressed by the following formula:  Relationships = Benefits – Cost.  In other words, as long as the benefits outweigh the costs, the partnership is continued.  However, once the costs get too high, it is terminated.  Do bear in mind that what you do for one another doesn’t have to be equal, but a sense of reciprocity should exist.

Generally, none of this really comes into play until after “the honeymoon phase.”  Why?  Because as the relationship continues, each person feels more comfortable and “let’s their hair down,” exhibiting their shortcomings more.  In my opinion, if these negative traits are shown during this stage of the relationship, it’s a sure sign to get out -- it’s only going to get worse!

And why is it that everyone else can see something that you, yourself, can’t?  Because they aren’t emotionally involved and, therefore, cognitively blinded.  But when several people are all seeing/saying the same thing, it’s time to pay attention.

But emotions are powerful -- maybe even more so than Superman!  It’s hard to let go of someone to whom there is an emotional attachment because something about that person is “hooking in” to something from your past.  In other words, you are not really so much in love with the person himself or herself, but what he or she represents.  That’s the reason people tend to go out with the same type over and over again.

To further complicate matters, usually a relationship like this isn’t all bad.  If you ever took Psych 101, there’s a principle called intermittent reinforcement.  It means that every now and then, you get something you like.  This type of reinforcement is the most powerful way to keep you continuing your behavior, including staying with the person.  In the case of humans, I’d label it hope.

New beginnings

So how do you end this kind of situation and how do you get involved with someone that will really offer you what you deserve?  First, let me acknowledge that it is a process that does take some time -- the “moonstruck approach” of just get over it won’t work.  The issue is within you.  The good news is that when you deal with your past hurts and heal childhood wounds, you won’t need to keep looking for a partner with whom to play it out.

Though I do think some of you can work on this by yourself or with the help of supportive friends, it probably will call for some professional help.  I am going to also go out on a limb and say that my preference is to find someone who does more than just talk therapy.  Though insight is very valuable, I have found that it’s not enough to merely understand the problem.  In my opinion, therapy that is more experientially oriented tends to really do the trick.

So, take the time to work on yourself, get past your old patterns, and watch how the world and all of its possibilities of love start to open to you!