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Accountability in Your Relationship

by Karen Sherman
Posted December 6, 2007 12:00 PM

Posted in

Love & Romance

Given the high divorce rate, there are a lot of people, including yours truly, focusing and offering advice on what makes for a good relationship. Even if you’re not married, most want to be involved with someone because attachment meets a basic need. So then you get into the areas of expectations, skills, and myths among other things.

In today’s blog, I want to address what it means to be accountable to your partner.

I certainly don’t believe that when you are involved with someone that you give up your identity and start to merge into functioning as one. Rather, I feel strongly that it is important to maintain your individuality. A lot of problems develop when one partner expects that, as a couple, you will do all activities together, like all the same things, or adapt to each other so that you view everything the same way.

It’s important to honor each person’s uniqueness and support their growth. In doing so, you also have a wonderful way to learn and expand yourself.

But…

Though I am a proponent of each person having their independence, I do support the notion that when two people make a commitment to one another, it requires that you are accountable to one another.

My experience from working with couples is that often males have difficulty with this idea. To them, it feels confining or like they are being controlled.

A little help from Webster’s

To help clarify this issue, I did a little research in the dictionary and here are my findings: commitment means a dedication, promise, or obligation. Being accountable is defined as being held responsible or answerable. Finally, obligation is a responsibility. So, I see commitment as including an obligation to be held responsible or answerable.

Now, I’m not suggesting that every behavior come under scrutiny. Here are some concrete examples of the kinds of actions I’m referring to: tell your partner if you’re leaving the house, letting your partner know where you are, or calling when you’re going to be late.

Lots of guys say that they don’t want to feel like they’re a child reporting into their mother. Understood! But this isn’t really about reporting in -- it’s about being respectful to one another. One of the reasons you get into a relationship is to know that you matter to someone. Well, when you say you’ll be home at 9:00PM and it’s 10:30PM and your partner hasn’t heard from you, it’s likely that she is going to be worried because you do matter. The respectful thing to do is call.

Research has shown that married people fare better physically and psychologically. This is especially true for men. It seems to be due to the “nag factor.” In other words, their spouses make sure that the men take better care of themselves than they would if they were on their own. That is, the men are being accountable in their behaviors.

I’d venture to say that even if you are not married, a truly committed relationship requires the same care and concern….and yes, accountability. If you think about it, rather than just react as if you are being told what to do, you will see that it’s an aspect of relationships that really does matter!

KarenSherman's blog

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Posted January 7, 2008 9:41 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months and I am wondering if I should cut things off with him. He and I met in college 2 years ago and we hung out sporadically. I had a boyfriend at the time and I also went away to work and study in England and Japan. When I got back to the USA in May, I also broke up w/ a long-term bf because he just began his Ph.D in Zurich. My current boyfriend asked me out in July and we took a pause in August becuz the ex from Zurich was visiting. I told the ex about the potential new relationship and we both agreed to stay friends. My current bf lived in Laguna Hills and I live in Westwood (Los Angeles) and that is approximately 65 miles away. We talked on the phone and we arranged to see each other once a week. In addition to being a grad student at Cal State Long Beach, he also works on the weekends to pay the bills. I was really unhappy with only seeing him once a week but I accepted it because I thought that he didn't have the choice in the matter. Plus, I admired him for being so collected and independent. He moved into a new apartment in November and our distance became shorter (30 miles.) In addition, he also has a lot of time off due to a change in schedule. The change in his schedule didn't seem to change the frequency in which we saw each other. To make matters worse, our phone conversations became shorter and more to the point. Recently, things have not gone smoothly. Obviously, I am frustrated with the situation and he is perfectly happy with the relationship. The trend has been that I would get mad at him over the phone about how much he doesn't love me/care for me and he would rush over to smooth things out. Things would be good while he was there but things haven't changed. For example, he didnt' call me before new year's eve to make plans and just assumed that we would hang out. To make it short, I feel as if I am always make him a priority whereas I might not be his #1. For example, two nights before my birthday, I got really mad at him and he came to talk it out. We talked it out and things were good in the morning. And then he called and said that he needs some time alone and wanted to go back to his apartment and he will see me the next day for my birthday. I had to take the GRE that day and it was also my birthday. I was so distraught. However, I managed to get it together and got a kickass GRE score. When I got home, my bf was waiting for me and apologized. He bought me a present, a cake, and a bottle of champagne. I was too happy about my GRE result to care. That night, as we sat watching the fire, he asked me why don't I break up with him. He also said that I wanted to a couple of times and that he doesn't know how he can contribute to my life. When we do spend time together, it is always good. I can feel that he loves me. However, when we don't spend time together, I quickly forget and I begin to feel insecure. When I tell him about how I feel, he always assure that I am just worrying about nothing. Am I worrying about nothing? Should I give up on this relationship? I don't want to continue to blackmail or negotiate to have my boyfriend come visit me. At the same time, I know that he loves me and that he is not doing it out of spite but because it is his character. Another thing I failed to mention is that I am also applying to graduate schools on the east coast and that I might leave in nine months. Please help me see this situation clearer! I need to do something so that I can move on and be content.

Torned,

T----

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