Next Wave of Boomers Turning the Big... Six--Ohhh My God! : Four Years Left to Find a Cure for Alzheimer's

February 3, 2007 I have just begun searching the web about the problems of taking care of an elderly parent and finding ways to stay sane and not feel like I am sacrificing my life for my Mom. I am a pre baby boomer at 64 years old and as usual have to wait for attention on aging to be driven by the BB's. I am still waiting for a surgery to be developed that would allow me to see things up close, like to read or find serial numbers on items made by BB's. I don't care about the other stuff like botox and face-lifts, I just want to be able to see using one pair of glasses. My Mom is a healthy 89 year old, in great shape. She's lived with us the last three years because she needs that extra assistance like taking medication, cooking dinner, taking her to the book store. She quit driving because she was tired of it and didn't want to kill anybody. Her main problem is she doesn't want to do anything but hang out with me. She has dropped her life long friends because they bore her and doesn't want to go anywhere. My problem is feeling angry at her because she has decided to just coast and I guess live through me. I am a cancer survivor so I don't have much patience or possibly time left. I want to travel and live as full a life with my sweetie-pie as long as we can. She won't stay by herself and does things like get sick when we do get away. Money is not a problem but she sure is difficult. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me. HELP. It seems like in comparison to real problems that others experience, this is a blip. But it is my blip and it feels bad.

Kelli..sounds to me like Mother is running your ship. With subtle manipulation, or possibly guilt, she is still in control of you.

I don't offer advice. All I can do is tell you what I would do. You say money is not a problem.

I would TELL healthy Mother she is now going to go live in one of those VERY NICE community senior apt places. Meals provided, etc, but they have their own apts. I'd find it, prior, and there would be no choice for her to go, or not go. I would decorate it beautifully before I showed it to her. We have several here in Hawaii that are so nice I would like to live in them, and wouldn't balk a bit if I have to someday. She doesn't know it, but she would be much happier there. They have all kinds of amusements going on all the time, and if that doesn't interest her, she can stay in and read. They do go down to the dining room for meals. Any service or care one might ever need is available.

I'd tell her I love her with all my heart...but this living together stuff isn't working out, etc. Who knows, she might feel like a burden to you, and be glad to go elsewhere, as long as she felt safe, secure, and would be served her needs. In most of those places they even allow pets. We are told that old folks with pets are happier. Especially loners.

If there aren't any near you, then I would announce to Mother that she is going to go to the senior center every day..then compromise to 3-4 days a week. If there aren't any, or she refuses, then I would hire Mother a companion, so I could come and go as I please. Believe me, I WOULD get away from Mother.

If I wanted to travel, I would hire a live-in person for the duration. And if Mother got "sick", unless she was declared on her deathbed, I would sail on. Mother would NOT run MY life, I tell you. I've only got one life...and she lived hers, and I am going to live MINE.

While it is our wish and responsibility to see to our old parents well-being, there are many ways to do it. I can see that you are getting very frustrated, and it will begin to show in hostile resentment. Not good for either of you. One of these days you might snap and strike out.

Look on the net and see what YOUR community has for seniors.

It is not an insurrmountable problem.

Have Mother write a book about her life...THAT would take up hours and hours of her time. takes a year to write a book! At least!

Sorry for all these extra posts...I just have afterthoughts. Kelli, how does your husnabd feel about Mother?

Do you have siblings to help you with mother? Send her to their house.

Kelli...does your Mother have anything like Alzheimers? You said she was healthy.

I'm 62 this year. I'm one of those pain in the butt patients. I think my doctor likes it.

I have three adored Pug dogs that when they get to the point that the quality of their life sux then I'll perform my last loving act and gently and lovingly send them beyond the pain, and the fear, and the suffering.

I'm with Frank. I should be able to choose for myself the same thing I'm willing to do for my dogs. I'm in great health but I've made my adult daughter promise to help me if I should need ever need it.

I have a friend who has undergone extensive, horrendous, extremely painful surgery...three times...to forstall cancer she has contracted a second time caused by the radiation she got for a previous, different cancer ten years ago. She is in remission now, but has decided that she is done with any treatment, or surgery from now on. She has a carefully horded stash of enough substance to insure she can check out if and when she decides it is time.

I'm not comfortable with anyone else making the decision for me, but I'm sure I want to make it for myself and not put my adored daughter at risk of arrest if I demand the same loving treatment I'd give a dog.

Jacqueline, I hope you don't think what I'm about to say is disrespectful of all the hard work you and others do to help the elderly and educate the public. Certainly as our population grows older I would like to think care for the elderly and quality of life is constantly improving. I am happy to see more and more people in their sixties, seventies and even eighties exercising on a regular basis at my local gym. However, as a man who has lost an infant daughter to a genetic illness and many family members throughout the years to a variety of health issues I am no stranger to the cycle of life and the inevitable end we all face. I don't know if it's a baby boomer thing, or progressive thinking but I think as a society we need to come up with sensitive, humane and respectful ways to end life for those who are extrememly ill, frail, in pain and have no prognosis of returning good health. I am in no way suggesting we euthanize the elderly based on some predetermined protocol, but rather offer a practical option to those in desperate need. Currently we leave many severely ill and elderly men and women to either suffer slow agonizing deaths or in some cases have their suffering ended by relatives or the medical community at great personal risk. Why can't our society progress along two paths at the same time? Better care, better quality of life and research to insure effective treatment for diseases of the elderly and at the same time legislate for the humane and respectful end to a life that was once treasured but has become tortured. My father in-law was a great Dad to his four daughters and a decent husband to his wife, a hard working man for many years. Now he is heavily medicated to prevent violent outbursts, does not know who he is or where he is, what life does he enjoy. My father is eighty seven and has been dying from an age related blood cancer for over a year. He receives constant transfusions of blood and much in demand platlets, he is frail and weak and is constantly back and forth to the hospital. While many with these and other serious health issues would choose to live no matter what, why not give options to those men and women who feel otherwise at the end of their lives. Once again I did not mean to offend anyone and most certainly yourself. I just think we need to discuss something that many of us think of as we watch and care for our loved ones. Thank you.