Convincing Elderly Loved Ones to Accept Help

My Dad also has Alzheimer's and I guess luckily for us, he has a history of blackouts with unknown origins. Due to those blackouts, he was not allowed to drive. Being able to blame the doctor (as opposed to family member) made the driving problem a bit easier to handle.

What I don't understand with my Dad is how he can still think that nothing is wrong. He is hallucinating that he is supposed to be teaching again, sometimes he tries to tell my Mom that the doctor told him he can drive again. We can be as charming as possible, but when he doesn't feel confused, it's hard to convince him that he really is. On the one hand, maybe it's a blessing he doesn't realize how bad he is. On the other, it might make my Mom's job easier if he did ask for help once in awhile.

My Mom doesn't ask for help either. She is 79, healthy and taking care of my Dad. With her, we continue suggesting different options/solutions for his care, and hope over time she agrees to some of the help we are suggesting. She finally caved in and has a part-time caregiver. And she is close to caving in on sending Dad to a senior center one day a week as an outing. She still always has to say "no" to an idea about a dozen times before it starts sounding feasible to her. My latest idea she denied, was to get a life alert for her, in case she falls. She said no and is convinced my Dad would be able to call 911. I told her I wouldn't trust him to do that, but then she goes into the "we all have to go sometime" dissertation! I know if I keep mentioning it over the next few months, she will hopefully cave in and accept the idea (hopefully without an incident that would force it upon her).

My brother and I will keep working at it. We know we are doing the best we can given that we are both out of state. We can't force my Mom into accepting the ideas at this point, but we can continue listening and offering suggestions as best we can. It's not easy watching our parents become old and frail. My Dad was my rock growing up. I'm trying to be his ... if he'd only let me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Convincing my parents that there was a problem was very difficult. My father knew how to "cover" his memory lapses. He would call everyone "sweetie" or "pal" when he couldn't think of a name. He would play with the little ones in the family because they wouldn't notice his problems and the adults would have.
My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1999. He was already in stage 4. He was forgetting how the days of the week were arranged and his driving was becoming erratic. Only weeks after the diagnosis he began to hallucinate.
Convincing our mother that he was no longer able to drive safely was difficult. That was our first and perhaps biggest challenge.
As his illness progressed at an amazing pace he began to suffer falls. His depth perception and his gait were being affected by the disease. Both of my parents were elderly so as my father would start to fall and my mother would try to support him BOTH were in danger of injuring themselves.
As an adult child of an Alzheimer's patient you need to use all of your charm and your powers of effective communication to help them see that you have their best interests at heart. Try to imagine how frightening it must be as their independence is going away and their confusion grows. Let your heart lead the way but keep your brain envolved!
Remember, it is organic...not an attitude.

Deborah Uetz
author of Into the Mist, When Someone You Love Has Alzheimer's Disease
www.intothemist.us

Convincing Elders to Accept Help

Convincing failing elders to accept help isn't easy. My father-in-law is 97 1/2 years old now, terribly hard of hearing, and increasingly forgetful. As if that isn't enough, he's also dizzy most of the time. He has had a long and exciting life but his body is wearing out now.

My husband and I are trying to give him the best quality of life we can as his life draws to a close. But we couldn't convince him to use a walker. Of course, he kept forgetting the idea. (Sometimes I think he was pretending to forget.)

Other family members tried to convince him to use a walker but Dad would always rejected the idea. Two weeks ago my father-in-law fell backwards into a open doorway and injured his head. He cut his head and blood flowed into his hair and dripped on his clothes. The fall scared him and the assisted living staff.

The time for the "soft sell" had passed and the time for the "hard sell" had come. "You need a walker," I said firmly. Actually, I shouted the sentence so he could hear it. Dad shook his head. No walker.

How could I get him to change his mind? I thought for a moment and said, "Your friend Bill uses a walker and he loves it. Bill says it gives him mobility and stability. Wouldn't you like to have mobility and stability?"

Apparently invoking his friend's name did the trick because he agreed to try a walker. He wouldn't have to keep the walker, my husband and I assured him, he could just try it. If he didn't like the walker we would take it back.

My brother and sister-in-law took Dad to a medical supply store and helped him choose a walker that met his needs. Dad choose a green one, with hand brakes, a basket on front, and a seat in case he needed to sit down. Now he's a commercial for walkers!

"It's just wonderful," he keeps saying.

When it comes to convincing our elders to accept help sometimes slow and steady does the job. In our case, it took all family members to convince my father-in-law to use a walker. More important, we worked as a team and coordinated our efforts. We'll tie a bow on Dad's walker for the holidays and tell him we love him.

Harriet Hodgson, Member
Association of Health Care Journalists
Author of "Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief," Lois Krahn, MD, Co-Author
An Amazon book and available from www.amazon.com (five star review)
Website www.harriethodgson.com

To hear my interview with Jacqueline Marcell on "Coping With Caregiving" go to http://blog.thirdage.com/?author=12