Are You Obsessed With Sex?

Are you forever pursuing sexual opportunities; constantly
aroused or on the way there; thinking, talking and acting sexually a
lot of the time?

I often hear the term "sex addict," and usually its being used
to describe someone else. "Not me," people say, "but him/her ...
they're sick."

And they may well be right that there's something unhealthy
happening here.

Those who seek help for sexual addiction or compulsion
describe huge relief when their desire levels return to a more
manageable level. Just like the alcoholic, drug addict or compulsive
eater, to live in the grip of a compulsion is not pleasurable. There's
that moment when you're getting your fix but it's oh-so-short-lived,
and then you have the after-effects to deal with and another urge
building.

Sex addicts struggle with shame, the risk of being found out,
the dangers of disease, attack or relationship loss, and the financial
costs, in some cases.

All the while, yet another urge is building up inside almost
immediately after release is gained. A vicious cycle of distress
develops, requiring more sex as a way to soothe and distract from the
bad feelings.

It's not always easy to identify someone with a sexual
compulsion. Some keep it covert; while they're sitting in church
praying or having a conversation with their staff or colleagues, it's
not immediately apparent that only half of their mind is on the topic
at hand. But underneath, trouble is brewing.

Others are far more overt about their interest and the topic
of sex comes into every conversation; the glint in the eye is
unmistakable, and the hands seem to know no boundaries. Some of those
will be all talk; others will also walk the walk.

Neither, I would venture to say, are in a healthy state.

There is no simple set of criteria for diagnosing someone with
sexual compulsivity or sex addiction as there is a wide range of
"normals" in sexual behavior, as in all human behavior.

Who is to say how often it's OK to have a sexual thought or
feeling?

Popular magazines offer surveys on such topics from time to
time, but who knows what we can take from those findings? The very task
of measuring such activities will, of course, impact on the count, and
those who volunteer their results may in no way be indicative of the
general population.

It takes a brave soul to offer a judgment on how many sexual
thoughts and how much sexual behavior is healthy and what form it
should take. So here goes: It's normal to think of sex every day, and
it's normal to not think about it for a week, maybe more under certain
circumstances.

Sex is one part of life, and depending on how many demands and
how much satisfaction you have in the other parts, the priority of sex
will and should wax and wane over time. Health, age, duration of
relationship, and stress levels will impact to varying degrees with
each individual.

What you do with those
thoughts and fantasies
is what determines whether they're healthy or not. If you allow them to
float through your mind, take a moment's pleasure at the aliveness of
your body and sexuality, and then move on to concentrate on the task at
hand, there can be little harm in that.

If you engage with the sexual thoughts, frequently create
fantasies
of sex with people other than your partner, or spend time on the
thoughts when you're meant to be doing something else, then chances
are, there's something unhealthy going on. In time, it could well lead
to the cycle of sexual compulsivity.

So that covers sexual thoughts; what is normal and healthy in
sexual behaviour?

Sticking out my neck again, I would say if you seek and/or
engage in some form of sexual activity (masturbation or partner sex)
once a day or more for a period of six months or more and you're not in
a new relationship, chances are, there is an element of sexual
compulsion in operation.

"But I've got a high sex drive," I commonly hear. Lots of
drive
is great. Just as with work, learning or exercise, having high levels
of motivation can serve you very well in life. It's only when your
drive is abused for other purposes that it creates problems.

If you work 12-hour days and can't leave work behind when you
go on holiday, it's possible you need to achieve highly in order to
prop up your self-esteem or soothe high anxiety levels.

Similarly with sex, if you pursue your partner, put them under
pressure for sex, and can't see how counterproductive that is, then
you're using this "drive" to comfort you when some other form of
comfort would be far more productive. If you seek pornography or other
forms of stimulation on a daily basis, and as soon as you've finished
masturbating, you find yourself thinking about what you can use to get
aroused next, then you've clearly got yourself into a compulsive cycle.

Most people have experienced sexual frustration at those
inevitable times when their partner's desire levels are out of synch
with their own. For the sex addict, there is no escape from frustration
until this destructive cycle is broken.

Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and
director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network.

Source: Evening Standard
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