Q&A: Virgin at Age 55

Question: I am a 55-year-old female who had a hysterectomy in 1989. Believe it or not, I was a virgin until two months ago. The sex was horrible, but that I can get over. What I'm wondering about is why I experienced so much pain. I even started bleeding -- and bled for three days straight. What happened?

Answer: I'm sorry that your first sexual experience was so unpleasant. Unfortunately, many women find that it takes some time to figure out what exactly works for them and how to communicate that to their partner. That fact that you waited a while to have sex doesn't really change that.

I'm glad you say that you can get over the experience and that it hasn't discouraged you. This is where being a little bit older is probably helpful: You're wise enough to know that this need not mean you'll never have a satisfying experience. So, let's move on to your real question of why there was so much pain and bleeding.

The amount of pain during first intercourse is quite variable. Under normal circumstances, it's really not too severe. The reason many women experience pain during their first sexual encounter is that a small membrane called the hymen that's located inside the vagina may have to be broken for a man to fully insert his penis. This is also the cause of the bleeding many women experience after having intercourse for the first time. While in some women, the hymen is already broken or stretched by the time they have intercourse, thus eliminating this source of discomfort, the fact that you're 55 doesn't necessarily mean that you would fall into this group of women.

Although you can't do too much about the pain from the breaking of the hymen, you can control some other reasons for the discomfort. For starters, make sure you're really ready to have sex. If you were thinking something along the lines of "It's about time," you may be tensing up your muscles or not giving yourself time to become sufficiently aroused.

Second, make sure you use lots of extra lubrication. Given that you have had a hysterectomy, it is quite likely that you're not producing enough natural lubrication. This is a very common complaint among older women. You can buy K-Y Jelly at any drugstore, or use another water-based lubricant such as Astroglide.

Third, you should be the one to set the pace. Go very slowly and give your body time to relax and become fully aroused. Enjoy lots of foreplay! This should be a fun experience for both of you, so don't rush it.

If you continue to experience pain and bleeding, you should visit a gynecologist and explain that you're having a hard time with intercourse. Perhaps you thought that you no longer needed to see a gynecologist, but even following a hysterectomy, it's usually important to have regular checkups and it's even more important if you're going to be sexually active.

Since there are a number of conditions that can cause pain during intercourse, your doctor can check to see if there's anything physically wrong. In your case, the pain may be related to the type of hysterectomy procedure you underwent. It's even possible that you have another condition, such as a partially intact hymen. This, along with other causes of pain, can be assessed by your gynecologist.

I wouldn't worry too much about the amount of blood you experienced, but there's no reason you should continue experiencing pain or not enjoy sex, no matter what your age!