From Foreplay to Sex

Foreplay to intercourse. The shift from warming up to getting to the action is a mental marker on most people's sexual map. Ask yourself: How do you know when it's time to make that transition? If you're surprised by the question, you're not alone.

When I ask this question in my workshops or my clinical practice, some people immediately recognize the moment and circumstance I'm talking about, but they're unsure how they get the message. Others recognize how they're notified, but have never considered the deeper message it may reveal about their relationships. And for some, the question instantly illuminates hidden interpersonal dynamics that they've only vaguely understood until now.

Sex is an elegant and elaborate language. During foreplay, couples use the language of sex to negotiate the level of intimacy, eroticism, and meaningfulness in what follows. Though not a word is spoken, both partners know what's going on and what's likely to happen next. The signal to move to intercourse is like a new paragraph. The timing, style, and motivation for that shift say a lot about partners and their relationship. All too often, by the time couples lumber off into intercourse, one partner or the other has hurt feelings -- a common cause of low sexual desire.

Hidden Dynamics
Who really calls the shots
in your sexual relationship? Although you may shift roles from time to
time, a general pattern often emerges: Is it you or your mate who
usually decides when foreplay is done? Pose that question in your
relationship, and you may find sexual control issues exposed in ways
that start to change the status quo. When discussing this with my
patients, I can tell when I'm talking to the partner who makes the
decision -- he or she always says, "We both decide."

Take a look, too, at the reason why the shift to intercourse
takes place. What really motivates that decision? It may sound harsh or
sad, but odds are the decision is usually made for some negative
reason. Rarely do we move on to intercourse because we're so hot and
passionate we think we'll die if deprived of it a moment longer. The
real reasons are a litany of problems couples endure: Someone gets
bored or wants to get sex over with. One partner or the other is
accommodating difficulties with erection or rapid ejaculation. There's
a lack of emotional contact, or it's the only way someone can reach
orgasm. One or both partners want to avoid intimacy. It's a long, sad
list.

These observations make more sense once you realize
intercourse is not the way many people turn themselves on, it's the way
they turn themselves off. Given how many men struggle with rapid
ejaculation, coitus is tantamount to saying, "OK, I only want X more
minutes of sex. Let's have intercourse." For others, the turnoff is
emotional: they tune out during coitus. Is foreplay "your time" and
intercourse your partner's? Or vice versa? Some couples move from
foreplay to intercourse out of the most loving and lovely motivations,
but they tend to be a blessed few.

Sex is a window into yourself, your partner, and your
relationship. If you'd like a snapshot, take a look at what's happening
when you move from kissing to the main event.