We forgive when we no longer need to blame ...

Think about it. When you continue to blame, you avoid having to forgive. A powerful defense mechanism, blaming amounts to finding a target for your anger and frustration. It protects you from having to own up to your own shortcomings and your own contribution to the problems between you and other people. And by making relationship difficulties the other person's fault, it relieves you of any responsibility in having to make things better. You think, "They messed things up, so they have to fix them."

Although there's some appeal to taking this "no fault, no responsibility" position, it places you in a passive role that steers you away from taking a preferable, proactive position.

Also, the more you behave like a self-righteous victim, the less desirable and the more of a turn-off you become to your honey. Soon he or she will begin to view you as someone wh'd rather be right and self-righteous than make things better. Make sure that you're not winning the battle every time, only to lose the war -- and your relationship -- in the end.

So, how do you achieve forgiveness? Stop thinking about what you're blaming the other person for and to begin focusing on accomplishing important goals. To put the blame behind you, follow these steps:

1. Ask yourself what not forgiving is costing you.

2. Become clear in your mind as to exactly what the other person did wrong. Also clarify what you'd need from him or her in order to feel safe in the future.

3. Ask yourself how you contributed to the problem, looking at if from their point of view.

4. Tell your partner what you think each of you did to cause the problem, why you each were hurt by the other's actions, and what you think each of you need to do to prevent it from happening in the future. Then ask your sweetie how he or she sees it.

5. Put it behind you. Take steps to build a satisfying life for yourself, rather than expecting your partner to do it for you and blaming him or her again when he or she messes up.

By pushing ahead and creating a satisfying life, you'll feel less frustrated and less angry and you'll be more willing to take responsibility for your actions and your need to blame will dissipate. On your way to success, happiness, self-esteem and the esteem of others, you'll not want to taint your happiness by being ungracious. In essence, getting ahead in life will be more important than getting even.

Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com [1] and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).