Dear Dr. Betty [1],

I'm in love [2] with a man whose 30-year-old son plans on living with us if we get married. The son makes a good living, likes expensive toys, doesn't pay rent and has the run of the house. I don't think the relationship should go any further until my boyfriend asks his son to move out -- but he refuses. He doesn't think that his son's living at home with us is a problem. Should I try to get out of this relationship now? It's a real dilemma because I don't want to lose this great guy. What should I do? --P.

Dear P.,

Did you know that nearly 40 percent of grown children move back into the nest after leaving and usually stay for more than four months? Your boyfriend's son is acting as if he'll live at home from four to 40 years! In spite of being a grown man, he's living a spoiled kid's life.

I don't know why your man is allowing this -- do you? There's probably some personal benefit he's getting from having his son around. Perhaps his son is acting as a shield, an excuse for not allowing anyone to get closer to the father.

Or, your boyfriend could be indulging in 'if only I had not divorced his mother, had set a better example, had encouraged him to be more independent, or had been around more when he was younger' thoughts. He may be compensating for these guilty feelings and regrets by allowing his son to continue living in his home. He may enjoy his son's dependency and use the invisible hook of money [3] to keep him around and keep him under control.

The guessing game, however, could go on and on. You say you love [2] this man, but with love [2] comes patience and perseverance. Don't think of getting out of this relationship until you try opening this topic up for discussion. Here are some pointed questions to ask yourself and your man:

1. What do you want from this relationship? What are your boyfriend's intentions? If he's serious about your relationship and respects you, let him know how strongly you feel about not having his son live with you should you get married.

2. If he wants your relationship to go further, he should be honest with you about his reasons for allowing his son to live with him. If he continually downplays his son's presence even after you express your feelings, he's not as serious about your relationship as you thought.

3. If, on the other hand, he divulges the reasons for his son's presence or doesn't understand, but wants to know why he's allowing him to stay, you can begin a real dialogue and help him look at healthier reasons for his son's departure.

4. If he is working towards having his son move out, ask him what he wants for his son. If he's open to your advice, suggest the following:

• Give his son emotional support by displaying confidence in his ability to live on his own and pursue his own goals. At the same time, acknowledge and praise his accomplishments.
• Reassure his son that his father loves him and if the two of you marry it won't make any difference in their relationship. Your boyfriend needs to stress [4] that he'll always be devoted to his son's happiness and that part of being a good father is letting go. Also, together, they need to make plans to talk and see each other on a regular basis.
• Set a realistic time limit for when the son is expected to be out of the house. Respect that this process might be difficult for your boyfriend and help him go through this "letting go" transition. Be there to listen to and support him but also realize this is just between father and son.

You are very wise in recognizing what your needs are before this relationship goes further. Working through this dilemma is an opportunity to practice dealing with the myriad issues that will pop up in the future.