New Rituals

New Rituals

Both Kelly and Suarez endorse the adoption of rituals that honor a lost loved one. Some people buy wind chimes, says Suarez. "Each time the chime rings, we are reminded of that part of our life."

On special holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, when a partner may be especially missed, Kelly advises preparing for the day, rather than letting the memories catch you off guard. "Do something proactive," she says. "For some people, that means buying a candle or a flower or anything symbolic of their loved one and placing it on the mantle. It can make the actual day less painful."

Grief is a natural response to having loved."Grief is a natural response to having loved," she points out. "But it feels crazy. Most of the time we are just not prepared for that crazy, out-of-control feeling." Kelly says people should give themselves "permission" to grieve, even if society sometimes seems unwilling to do so.

Both Kelly and Suarez believe early individual and/or group counseling is important to the process of recovering from the loss of a partner. "Studies have shown that people in groups heal better, faster," Kelly says. "By sharing their feelings the bereaved move their pain up and out, so that they aren't carrying huge amounts of unfinished business."

What often gives us the most grief is regret."We always seem to want to find a reason why our partner died," says Suarez. "What's really important is that you find a meaning for that event in your life, no matter how difficult that may be, and that you ask yourself what dreams you haven't fulfilled. Because what often gives us the most grief is regret."