Good Grief

Grief is a normal, natural and universal experience. It is also neglected and misunderstood by both grievers and those who would support them, for as a society, we have been ill-prepared to acknowledge and deal with it.

Simply put, grief is the conflicting feeling caused by the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior. Someone you love dies after suffering a long illness. You may feel both a sense of relief that your loved one's suffering is over, and a realization that you can no longer see or touch that person. Conflict.

Or take divorce. You may feel a genuine sense of freedom now that the battles with your spouse are behind you, yet be fearful that you will never find someone as beautiful or as good a provider.

While death and divorce are two of the most obvious wellsprings of grief, many others are often unacknowledged. Among them are:

• the death of a pet
• moving
• starting school
• the death of a former spouse
• marriage
• graduation
• end of addictions
• major health changes
• retirement
• financial changes -- positive or negative
• holidays
• legal problems
• an empty nest

In modern life, moving through intense emotional pain has become such a misunderstood process that most of us have very little idea of how to respond to loss. Yet there is a map to recovery. Here are some signs that you are on it:

• claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you
• finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again
• being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret or remorse
• acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time, and to talk about it no matter how those around you react
• being able to forgive others when they say or do things that are based on their lack of knowledge about grief
• realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you've experienced is normal and healthy

Recovery takes time, the length of which differs from person to person and from circumstance to circumstance. Resolve to give yourself however long it takes; it is one of the most significant gifts you’ll ever receive.

Excerpted from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. HarperCollins Publishers. Used by permission.