When the Love Fades

What happens in a long-term partnership when one half of the team feels as though he or she is falling out of love? Is the love really gone? Should you panic, start going through "apartment for rent" ads, throw a tantrum, take to your bed for days, demand that your partner get over this silliness or make up his or her mind immediately about staying or leaving (and it had better be what you want to hear)?

Unless you both know deep in your heart of hearts that this love ain't no real thing, you may want to read on to learn about what's really going on before you jump to the wrong conclusion. The e-mails we receive at MarsVenus.com indicate that sometimes falling out of love just isn't what it seems to be to either party.When two people who were in love fall out of love, they are usually in need of an injection of "vitamin S": self-love. When we are low on self-love, we begin expecting too much from our partners. No matter what our partner says or does, it will not be enough. We feel our partner is not responding the way they used to. We begin to compare what we are getting now with what we got in the past. We start to make lists of all the things our partner is not doing for us. We want our partner to make us happy again, but that's just not possible. With an attitude like this, things can only get worse.

Blame keeps relationships from moving forward. If one partner feels empty or unhappy or unfulfilled in any area of his or her life, often that partner will blame his or her better half. The blame turns to resentment, and partners start questioning whether or not they should stay in the relationship. They long for fulfillment so badly that they begin to think that it is the relationship that is loveless, when in fact it is their own life that they do not love.

We have to take personal responsibility for our relationship and allow our hearts to remain open. Sometimes we confuse boredom with loss of love. Both partners need to change and grow over time. Emotional, mental and spiritual growth are all necessary to keep a relationship fresh.

Some people may feel that they are falling out of love simply because the romance is gone in a relationship. Well, here's the news, folks: Romance isn't automatic. We have to actively create opportunities for romance to thrive. A few simple, fun ideas include:

• Bring home fresh flowers -- often and "just because."
• Plan a date night once a week.
• Take a long weekend at a swank resort and leave the kids with grandma.
• Run your beloved a bubble bath, light candles, bring a glass of wine, sit on the edge of the tub and read poetry, or get the heck out and give him/her some alone time to re-center and re-energize.
• For more ideas, click here to see the MarsVenus Romance Planner.

Through your deep connection with your mate, you can reconnect to your true self. Remember to stoke the fires of love with healthy doses of forgiveness, trust, appreciation and understanding, and your relationship will be fulfilling for years to come.

John Gray has helped millions of men and women develop better relationships with his phenomenal New York Times bestseller Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (HarperCollins, 2004). For insight into dating and relationships today, visit Relationship Advice from MarsVenus.com.