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Money and Love: Volatile Mix

Posted August 27, 2007 3:27 PM
Posted in agreement, marriage, money, myths, planning, prenuptial, relationship, retirement, trust

 

Is the explosive combination of love and money about to detonate your relationship?

The evidence is mounting: Modern misunderstandings over money are overpowering passion and wrecking romance for couples who should be old enough to know better. Surveys in Parade and Money magazines and the Ladies Home Journal in years passed concluded that confusion over money causes more relationship turmoil than either sex or in-laws.

And more counselors, attorneys and financial planners are urging couples to sidestep those money myths before it's too late.

Lawyer and author William Francis Devine, Jr. is leading the crusade. The author of "Women, Men and Money" (Harmony/Random House), Devine urges couples to avoid several deadly money myths and shows them how to use money to develop greater trust, deeper intimacy, and a bigger bankbook. Devine even challenges the sacred cow of the prenuptial agreement, calling it one of the deadliest financial myths of all.

"It causes far more problems than it solves, because it says in big, bold letters, 'I love my money more than I love you.'" Here is his point: A prenup implies that the financial contract is more important than the wedding vows. Better to postpone the rush to the altar and focus instead on making sure the two people are in sync on the issues that really matter: romance, family, work life, a sense of adventure, and spirituality.

Devine's other myths include:

  • The partner who earns more knows more. "Frequently I see that the person earning less has the wiser point of view. Collaborating on money issues "is a much smarter way to go."
  • Money is power in a relationship. Money is a tool for creating a fulfilling life together. "Ask yourself, 'Do I use money to nourish our rapport?'"
  • Debt is bad. "Not so. Is the debt helping you become a more accomplished human being? If it's for surgery, college, or your new career, go forward prudently.
  • We must save for retirement. "Nonsense.­ You need to save so you can be you. If you want to be a teacher, invest in yourself so you can teach. Reap all the rewards your talents can yield."

    To be sure, much of this conflicts with standard financial advice and we can all agree that there are no simple answers to questions of love and money. Financial planners correctly point out that a retirement plan is vital for modern couples, sound investments can double your net worth every five years and needless spending is wasteful.

    Legal gurus such as author Joan Cleveland note that prenuptial agreements can save protracted legal battles when marriages end in divorce. Fair enough. But the point we must consider goes deeper: Trust, mutual respect, and a willingness to invest in ourselves are the real keys to good relationships.

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