Is This Cyber Love the Real Thing?

Dear Dr. Betty,

I met a lady on the Internet and we've connected online and on the phone for more than three months (3 to 5 hours a day). We can talk to each other about anything and have fallen in love. The thing is, we haven't met in person yet. Can this be real, true love we're feeling? --M.

Dear M.,

Excitement, anticipation, friendship, intensity, and fantasy fulfillment are all elements of an online infatuation. Each of these emotions are true, but they aren't necessarily true love. Don't get me wrong -- there's nothing bad about feeling passionate. I've lobbied for this in all my columns. But right now, you're just at step one on the road to love. True love is made up of more than passion and excitement. It also requires respect, physical and emotional understanding, and acceptance -- flaws and all. It involves long-lasting attachment, devotion, and commitment, as well as a day-to-day concern for each other's welfare.

Move Beyond Your Comfort Zone: The Internet has revealed a new vista to you -- one that's safe and comfortable -- but now it's time to challenge this relationship. You've spent almost 300 hours speaking to your cyber love. That's an amazing amount of time, during which you've probably built up massive expectations. Although the relationship has been exciting, safe, and comfortable, it won't last -- change is inevitable. Do you want to go to the next step and meet your love? It's a risk, but avoiding risk is the biggest risk of all!

What are you worried about? That you won't find each other attractive? That she's been lying, and is married or in other relationships online? These and other concerns could keep you in limbo forever.

If fantasy is enough for you, that's fine. But if you want to find true
love, you have to take the leap and agree to meet in person. Consider
these guidelines for your first encounter:

1. After typing and talking, it's photo time. Exchange recent photos.
2. Arrange to meet. The farther you have to travel, the more you will have to plan--but it can be done.
3. Lower your expectations, and don't expect perfection. You'll have an
   easier time meeting and getting to know your online friend by being
   realistic.
4. Go places together, like the movies, dinner, concerts, sporting events, dance or comedy clubs.
5. Give yourself a time limit for your meetings. If things work out, you can always extend the time.
6. Be aware and listen carefully. Compare her face to her voice and
   writing. Does what your lady says fit her facial expressions and body
   language? Does what she said online relate to what she's saying and
   doing now? If you're attracted to each other, the final question should
   be, do you trust her?

No matter what happens, the wonderful
thing is that you have a pal to talk to and confide in. If your
connection doesn't turn out to be real love, there's still a big, wide
world of cyber adventures awaiting you.