TR Midway

what are "the rules". I know I've broken them since he's gone after 32 years, but what are they?

what are "the rules". I know I've broken them since he's gone after 32 years, but what are they?

Hiya,

I posted a question about my situation a month ago. Anyone out there?

fg

Thanks for the reply!
Excited to find you guys here.
This is my situation: whirlwind courtship and moved in together. We sort of skipped the dating and went right into a marriage situation. The fact that we love each other has made things work so far, but things are not great. Just okay and sometimes slips into bad. Occasionally ugly.

I'm 28, he's 32. I live in nyc which means most of us wait much longer to start families and focus on careers-which we do. More facts: he is a veteran and for some reason the army encourages the soldiers to marry very young-which he did when he was 20 or so. Ended badly. So he is reluctant in that respect. In the last 2 years or so (we've been together for 5 yrs I think) he has started to mention children. I believe in marriage before kids, so that will not fly. We are both entrepreneurial and look to each other for support and help and will be business partners in the next few weeks-it will be a little tough to be CUAO when I might be seeing him often outside of the home as well-but I will do my best to avoid him!
I am very much into my own personal development, always take classes, go to the gym, go out with my friends etc. I am almost never home before 9pm and leave early 7:30/8am. He goes back and forth in getting closer/pulling away so I know TR do work on him. I know that I got "domestic" way to soon and too much for that matter and boundaries went out the window.

I have been reclaiming these boundaries and it seems to be working. Nevertheless, when I was very unrulesly we had very bad behavior; inappropriate texting, calling, and email and conversations with other women, trips to the strip club with a friend, and he put absolutely no effort or energy in the relationship. An example is that this past summer he got a motorcycle and needless to say I spent most of the summer by myself-which if I had been more rulesly would not have happened.
Ideally, I would like to repair the damage and unearth the good stuff that is there and hopefully put the past behind me. Get flowers again and romantic presents again!
I would also like a proposal in 2008 with a wedding date in 2009 because it is about time.
Any practical advice you ladies may have would be much appreciated! I.e. if he doesn't do his share of chores, does my home just stay dirty? Stuff along these lines would be great.
fg

Hey there. It looks like the last post here is way back from Dec 07 (5 mos ago). Anyone still active here? I feel lucky to have found you guys and now everyone is gone!

Hi, we are still here, welcome to the TR boards.

If you try some of the other threads there are more active. Salon and Bootcamp are the most active.

If you post a profile on the profile thread it is good to have a little information about you situation.

Are you midway in a relationship?

Hey there. It looks like the last post here is way back from Dec 07 (5 mos ago). Anyone still active here? I feel lucky to have found you guys and now everyone is gone!

Hi, If you would like to email me on sjc 355 @ hot mail . co . uk (obviously without the spaces) and a note that you are from Thirdage I can send you a document that I found very useful. It was orginally written by Match.com and has some really helpful exercises to discover who you are and what you want as well as exploring your previous relationships and how to move forward from them.

Hi Leonette - I looked up the husband sun and began to compose one myself. I think it might take me awhile to complete it. I am thinking a lot about what I want based on past relatioships and what I hated about them. I think this helps.

I understand what you mean about the cheating incident -I really hated hearing that. He tried to lessen its degree by saying it was never a serious relationship and she cheated on him first. Wow, crazy!

I understand what you mean about knowing this man is not for me. When he disappeared I had a very bad feeling. I've known men who disappeared on me before and I always knew something was wrong - it never ended well. What ways to do you concentrate on yourself to learn more about what yo want/need? I am curious if you have anything in particular that you do..

I replied to you on TR Men

Just a quick add though - concentrate on yourself, work out what you want and what you need. As you get to know yourself more and trust in the universe to provide the things that you need, there will be a reason that this man is not for you.

He cheated on his ex-gf, this means that he does not conduct all his relationships with integrity - could you accept that?

Have you heard of a husband sun? If you look back on the engaged thread around post number 9 a wonderful Lady
b Kittychan
describes it. For background,
b Kittychan
is now married to the man of her dreams with two lovely children.

Hi, I'm new to this board and I really need some advice. I amd having some trouble with a "friend" of mine.

To go over the story briefly, we worked together a few months ago and despite the fact that we lived together (we were both rooming together for work along with other co-workers) and saw each other everyday, he still thought I was a CUAO. We ended up kissing for 2 nights and although I did not have sex with him, I think I may have made out with him a little too long! EEk! I was unrulesy with him one night when I showed disappointment when he told me he had cheated on a past girlfriend and that I thought our age difference was too big! (This was the night before we finished work)

Anyway, when we stopped working together he asked that I write to him and a few days later reiterated that he wanted me to write him. Well, about 3 months ago I totally acted badly, when I asked why he took down a few pictures of us wrestling (just playing around) from his myspace account. I knew I shouldn't have written it after the fact....he wrote back saying he was sweaty in them. Then I wrote him a l&b message back (a few days later) just to respond on what I was up to. He didn;t say anything for 3 weeks.

Then, I get a greeting card from him in my e-mail and I again was unrulesy saying that I noticed his long absense -wtf was i thinking?

anyway, he appologized and kept asking for forgiveness saying he always seems to screw up with me. I wrote back a brief message sayign I wasn't mad and told him what I was up to (since he asked). That was 3 months ago and I haven't heard from him since.

I recently got an e-mail that he sent out to all his friends asking for their phone numbers, but I know not to reply to this. However, I am afrid I have lost my friend here. I still have feelings for him and other than those 3 insidents I really never acted unrulsey. Now he has gone!

I am wondering if I should just reply to his phone number e-mail just stating my phone number and nothing else? Or should I just write him a letter? He can see on myspace that I am writing to other people since they tell me they received my letter - but I have never sent him one! Does this look mean?

I know that in past experience it is not a good idea to offer your phone number unless they specifically ask for it - but i am trying to make some peace offering with him! I am afriad that he either a) is afraid i am upset with him and is afriad to contact me or b)doesn't care if he hears from.

I know in my heart I shouldn't write him a letter or respond to his phone number e-mail by rewarding his bad behaviour (disappearing like that) but I'm uneasy about losing him as a friend (since it seems like I have lost him romantically). I know a lot of people will just saw Next him, but he is a good friend of mine. Is there anyway to fix this?

Wow. I just spent the last week re-reading every post on this thread.

This is a great thread! So much of what is written here is inspiring.

Salon has become a graveyard. What happened to Redfox?

Bootcamp isn't for me, either. It's so cold and technical over there.

But Midway! Here's a place I can relate to. I never knew anything about dating until 2 years ago. I got married and divorced in complete ignorance. Of course, by the time I was interested in dating, I was already in a midway situation in a deadend fantasy relationship and every mistake I could make, I had already made.

I am older - 44. It is very hard to find high-quality men in this age category! I am very particular also so a lethal combination for general rules "practice" situations.

I refuse to duty date, though. I won't date someone just to practice the rules.

I had a lukewarm beau but he seems to have disappeared for now. I haven't heard much from him for nearly 2 weeks. I feel it's a shame but I can't do anything about it except wait and see if he picks things back up.

He doesn't give me enough time and that's a problem for ME.

I hate it though. The lack of contact. I really like this guy, sigh.

I am sad to hear that you said things ended on a bad note. I was hoping that he would have just drifted away and you would have moved on to a better man.

I guess it didn't happen that way?

I would start doing TR now . it did say in the book it's never too late to start the rules I am 32 Yrs old pull back and start TR and see how he reacts and then reread them and go from there but they also say that if he hasn't made up his mind at that point to start dating others and see less of him and start getting busy.

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months and I was wondering if it were possible to do TR at this point. I am 34.

Any advice, ideas or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Princess73

I would just take it easy and give him time and space and try to get busy myself . It may make him more determined to get your attention

Hi Ladies. I need help on how to deal with my busy bf. My bf and I were doing extremely well. He buys me gifts on a regular basis and we saw each other all the time. He initates calls (sometimes 5 times a day) and initates dates. However, he started working lately and things changed. He is always tired after work and since his parents are in town, he has been really busy taking care of them. I try to be understanding because we got along really well and i know for sure that he's being a good boy at work since he has introduced me to his coworkers. I started working earlier than he did so I am not too tired after work but he hasn't got used to it yet. What should I do? Should I just take it easy and let him get used to the new demands? It's really hard for me coz I'm between jobs right now and I have so much free time on hand while he's got so much going on!

MIHEART

I would need more info how did you meet . But I would keep doing TR and possibly line up more rules dates but at least your getting some practice in. he could be waiting until the divorce is final. You could also pray about it as well

Okay so I will receive a divorce at the end of January of 2008. I think I have found the man whom I want to be with for the rest of my life and he is religious. He pursued me for a while then just stopped. Multiple times he has said...."keep me updated" I do not know what to think of this if anything....there is much more to the story however I do not want to take up too much space this first post. Does anyone have any opinions first off or do you need more information? Do you think he is waiting to see if there is a chance after the divorce is final?

i use to think by watching those maury and cheater shows that only 5-7 percent of men are decent. so you are not alone i even went as far to think that a certain ethnic group had nothing but all bad men. you could try nocheatersdate.com but you have to pay for a membership and its OLD

Dutch girl 25
I am also sorry you are feeling so bad but at least you know that he is wrong for you don't feel bad I'm going to be 32 years old Sept 15 and I am not married or have any kids and you know what maybe the universe is helping you to see that you do not need a man to complete you so many times as a woman we fall in love with the potential of what a man can do for us. you could read the secret.

Basically it states that if you keep complaining and think something bad is going to happen then you will by the law of attraction attract more of what is bad but if you focus on what you want with enough passion and feeling and think positive you will attract more of what makes you feel good. you can find out more through www.thesecret.tv

hugs it'll be okay at times i thought that too

You are not 'in need of a man to make you complete' Sweetie, you are complete, exactly as you are, you are just having trouble seeing that at the moment.

I think maybe some professional help to work through your problematic childhood would help but please don't think that you need someone else to make you whole - you really really don't, you just need to find the other bits of you inside yourself.

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad.

((hugs))

Dutchgirl 25

all you have 2 do is like beyonce set his boxes to the left to the left. he's a grown ass man

>He had no one, but me to give it back to him.

All I heard here was blah, blah, blah...blech.

DutchGirl, it is not your problem how he gets his stuff back, so don't make it your problem.

He's a big boy. He can figure it out.

Box it up and leave it on your porch or outside your door. And, don't be there on the day he is to collect his things.

Or ship it to him.

Don't make this any harder on yourself than it already is.

You have worked too hard to get yourself to this point. Don't go backwards now!

Take care of YOU. Let him worry about taking care of himself.

Taylor

GOOD FOR YOU!

You are getting angry- that is so great! It is starting, you know. This is how it starts!

When we FINALLY get it, when we finally realize we deserve BETTER, when we finally stand up for ourselves.

NO CONTACT is THE best way to get you through this. LADYX2K2 is absolutely RIGHT: it is HIGH time you stand up for yourself with this man.

It IS hard, but you can do this. And I have told you this before: it is SO much better on the other side. So much better.

This man has taken up enough space in your head, in your life, and evidently in your house (haha). Life is too precious to waste one second longer on someone who is not falling all over himself to make you happy.

STAY STRONG!

Taylor

DutchGirl25

like taylor 3 said you deserve better there are 6.5 billion people in this world and life is too short to worry and put yourself through emotional hell for this one man .

It's not going to be easy but don't contact him disappear from the planet when it comes to him . Another thing that you and i both have to learn is to defend your self you don't have to take anything from anyone male or female. My mom always told me you can't be a doormat but you also have to know when to stand up for yourself and this is one of those times.

Just remember to always do TR and do them stricter next time around I learned from one experience never to chase after a man or try to "make him like or love you" in my experience i chased and lied too much to one person and i promised never to do that again

Hi Sweetie-

I see you are still putting yourself through this pain. I am glad you came back to the boards for support.

Your situation will remain unchanged until YOU decide to change it.

DECIDE TO CHANGE IT NOW. You have that power.

Go back and read my posts to you from several months ago. They hold true today.

You deserve better. There is a man out there who cannot WAIT to meet you, fall in love with you and marry you.

And that man can't understand why you are wasting your precious time with someone who has clearly told you he doesn't want to marry you.

With regard to your Ex, put yourself on a detox program. No contact. If you continue to see him you are only going to prolong your pain.

Taylor

You've been agonizing over this guy for YEARS! I've seen your posts.

I was once stuck in an unsatisfying relationship that went on for far longer than yours.

It's not worth it. Let him go.

Take the necessary time to get over it.

It won't be easy, but there will be a time when you will be glad you finally let go and will no longer feel any pain.

Let him go. There are no shortcuts to getting over the pain, but I promise that one day you will feel better.

Honey, You need to jump over to the married thread as the rules for marriage are different to the rules for dating.

The married ladies will give you good advice on how to proceed.

((hugs))

I am very new to TR. I have been married for 3 years and have a 3 yr old daughter. Was with my husband for a couple of years prior. He moved in with me...I know not rulesy. etc. Reading the books there is a little info on trying to change into a rules relationship. Do any of you have a positive experience with this? The good thing is that he pursued me first, however, I made many mistakes including taking over financially, etc. He is pretty immature for a 40 yo. The good thing is he has responded to some of my changes in a positive way, but I feel like I have a long way to go....

yes you should resort to TR long distance. He's going to have to work to see you considering some of the games on sundays can begin at1:pm or 4 pm some as late as 8p.m. and if he has a west coast game such as playing the oakland raiders there's a 3 hour difference he could possibly also have a late night game on the west coast as well

Also some nfl players can also get traded to another team or released even rookies. You would know about the roster decision Sept 2 that's when the final roster is out right now its training camp and the preseason has kicked off. Let him concentrate on his career .The rules also said keep the conversations short and sweet. NFL.com has the schedule of when roster cuts are made season begins and ends

the rules did say you can sometimes return his calls

You can talk to him for as long as 10 minutes but not any longer unless its long distance. In the meantime be supportive of his career. Be light and breezy

You are doing the right things as far as i'm concerned but also remember some teams have cheerleaders and there are groupies which can temp some players.

for right now since this is his rookie year it is unrealistic b/c he has to try really hard to make the team and it takes a while to get use to the 16 game season of the NFL along with the possiblity of the playoffs. The season starts in Sept through the last week of December maybe by his second or third or fourth year marriage is a possiblity because if he makes the team more than once he would be more financially stable.

as for the girlfriend the only role she could possibly play or try to play is supporting him if she is non-rules she could get out of the picture through he actions and his reactions to them..