Must a Cheating Heart Unravel Your Marriage?

Dr. Shirley Glass on Infidelity

Dr. Shirley Glass is a Baltimore-based psychologist who has been studying infidelity for over 20 years. We asked Dr. Glass about the most common signs of affairs among ThirdAgers, as well as what it takes to repair a damaged relationship, the temptation of Internet affairs, and more.

ThirdAge: What are the most common causes of affairs among ThirdAgers?

When Is an Affair an Affair?

A common misconception about infidelity is that it has to be physical. That's not always the case. Three important factors can help determine whether a platonic relationship has turned into an affair, or is on its way to becoming one:

1. Secrecy

Whether you're meeting a coworker for coffee or exchanging personal email with a cyberstranger, if you're keeping it a secret from your partner, you may want to ask yourself why. It could be a first step towards infidelity.

2. Emotional Intimacy

The Rebuilding Process

Understandably, the process of saving a damaged relationship can bring about its own level of emotional fallout as feelings of trust and safety are repaired. Sometimes a betrayed spouse becomes hyper-vigilant about his or her partner's activities and whereabouts. Others become obsessed with the details of the affair, and then find it hard to avoid making comparisons. But many couples find that if they can get through the rough spots, they might not only survive an affair but eventually arrive at a new level of communication and understanding.

Confronting Your Mate and Contemplating Your Future

Confronting a mate who you think is having an affair can be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face. Will your partner tell you the truth? Will he or she be willing and ready to end the illicit relationship if there turns out to be one? If so, are you willing to work through your feelings of anger and betrayal to repair the relationship if the two of you decide that's the right thing to do?

Watching for the Signs

At first, you may just notice little things. He's spending more late nights at work, sometimes two or three days a week. She's suddenly stopped voicing her concerns about your relationship and grown more withdrawn and distant. You may notice that you're suddenly having sex less often; or, in some cases, more often.

Why We Stray

What compels a partner to stray? The reasons can be as different as the sexes themselves. While women are usually prompted by emotional factors such as loneliness, boredom, or unfulfilled expectations, men often follow the lead of their libido.

by Stephen Peters

New lovers may view infidelity as the ultimate deal-breaker. But as
relationships mature and bonds grow deeper, the subject becomes less
clear-cut. After years or even decades of building a life together,
couples may wonder whether breaking it off is the only option.

The truth is, infidelity doesn't always have to mean the end of
a relationship. In fact, partners who move beyond the pain and stigma
of an affair often find they learn things about themselves and each
other that ultimately make their relationship stronger.