When Your Other Half Dies

Internet Grieving Resources

The Internet is a godsend for many who are mourning the loss of a loved one. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of messages of sympathy and support pass across the Internet each day among the members of several online support groups for the bereaved.

"Although I have wonderful friends and family who were very supportive, they all fall away after a while..." says Linda Swengel, whose mother died of cancer last spring. "The folks I connected with online all seemed to understand the idea that one never 'gets over it' but does, in fact, learn to live with it."

Stages of Grieving

Grief counselors encourage the bereaved to call on family and friends for support as they undergo the shock, sadness, anxiety, and isolation that inevitably follow a loss. Especially in the early days of shock, it's important to enlist help for daily tasks, like child care or elder care, which can suddenly seem so impossible.

After the shock come tears. "We may have cried before this, but now it's an intense sadness," explains grief counselor Marianne Kelly of the dramatic emotional release which often follows the first stages of grieving.

New Rituals

Both Kelly and Suarez endorse the adoption of rituals that honor a lost loved one. Some people buy wind chimes, says Suarez. "Each time the chime rings, we are reminded of that part of our life."

On special holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, when a partner may be especially missed, Kelly advises preparing for the day, rather than letting the memories catch you off guard. "Do something proactive," she says. "For some people, that means buying a candle or a flower or anything symbolic of their loved one and placing it on the mantle. It can make the actual day less painful."

Confronting the Void

After Sue Vanderhyde, 56, suddenly lost her husband, Sandy, four years ago, she found a healthy distraction in her work as a grade-school teacher, but at night she came home to an empty house. At first, she planned activities with other singles to avoid being around couples. "You feel very alienated from your other friends because they are couples and you're not. At first they include you, but then later, they don't quite as much."

My working week and my Sunday rest

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song:

I thought love would last forever; I was wrong.

-- W.H. Auden

• Confronting the Void
• New Rituals
• Stages of Grieving
• Internet Grieving Resources