Health
The Will and the Way Toward Love
Remember when life and love was simple? When you could take what your partner said at face value without looking for hidden agendas and innuendos? What would you give to turn the clock back to the blissful, carefree stage of your relationship?
What's that, you say? Too much water under the bridge? Too many hidden and not-so-hidden resentments? Too numerous errors of omission and commission on both your parts?
The path back to love, however, may not be so out of reach. Maybe all it requires is the will and the way.
The Will to Love Again
Engage your partner and ask him these questions:
1. Do you agree that we both have a long list of disappointments and hurts with regard to each other?
2. Do you agree that we often become stubborn and remain locked in a stalemate situation?
3. Do you agree that we might have a better chance of just letting go of our lists and giving each other a clean slate than trying to resolve all our problems?
4. Do you agree that even when we're upset with each other we both have a choice as to how we react?
5. Do you want to start over and each commit to being considerate instead of inconsiderate? Flexible instead of rigid? Understanding instead of presuming to know when we don't?
The Way to Love Again
Just as negative comments beget negative responses, positive ones trigger positive reactions. And realize that just because you feel negatively doesn't mean you can't act positively.
1. Even when you're upset with your partner, you choose how you react and whether you take the high road or low road. For example, every time either of you is tempted to be petty, you can choose to be gracious; every time you are about to jump to conclusions about the other, you can choose to find out why your partner did what he or she did; every time you are tempted to begrudge your partner, you can choose to forgive him or her.
2. Establish a loving routine -- even when you don't feel loving. Say "Good morning" when you wake up and "Good night" when you go to sleep. Give each other a hug when you leave the house each morning and a hug when you come home at the end of the day.
3. When you've done something wrong, own up to it quickly and say you're sorry without any excuses.
4. When the other owns up to having done something wrong and apologizes to you, accept the apology and thank him or her.
5. You can hold onto a grudge and be bitter, or let go of it and feel better. The choice is up to you.
6. Every morning think of three things you're grateful for and three things that could be worse. You'll be starting your day on the right foot.
7. Don't try to change others. Accept them as they are and hope they change rather than not accepting them at all until they change.
8. Close your mouth and cover your nose, then try to take three deep breaths. Realize how awful it feels, and know that some people breath that way all day. Now uncover your nose and open your mouth and take three deep breaths to remind yourself how great it feels.
10. Remember someone who did something very caring toward you. Let yourself fill up with the gratitude you feel.
My simplest advice on bringing calm to a marriage is what I write when I sign my books.
Never be ...
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
What's that, you say? Too much water under the bridge? Too many hidden and not-so-hidden resentments? Too numerous errors of omission and commission on both your parts?
The path back to love, however, may not be so out of reach. Maybe all it requires is the will and the way.
The Will to Love Again
Engage your partner and ask him these questions:
1. Do you agree that we both have a long list of disappointments and hurts with regard to each other?
2. Do you agree that we often become stubborn and remain locked in a stalemate situation?
3. Do you agree that we might have a better chance of just letting go of our lists and giving each other a clean slate than trying to resolve all our problems?
4. Do you agree that even when we're upset with each other we both have a choice as to how we react?
5. Do you want to start over and each commit to being considerate instead of inconsiderate? Flexible instead of rigid? Understanding instead of presuming to know when we don't?
The Way to Love Again
Just as negative comments beget negative responses, positive ones trigger positive reactions. And realize that just because you feel negatively doesn't mean you can't act positively.
1. Even when you're upset with your partner, you choose how you react and whether you take the high road or low road. For example, every time either of you is tempted to be petty, you can choose to be gracious; every time you are about to jump to conclusions about the other, you can choose to find out why your partner did what he or she did; every time you are tempted to begrudge your partner, you can choose to forgive him or her.
2. Establish a loving routine -- even when you don't feel loving. Say "Good morning" when you wake up and "Good night" when you go to sleep. Give each other a hug when you leave the house each morning and a hug when you come home at the end of the day.
3. When you've done something wrong, own up to it quickly and say you're sorry without any excuses.
4. When the other owns up to having done something wrong and apologizes to you, accept the apology and thank him or her.
5. You can hold onto a grudge and be bitter, or let go of it and feel better. The choice is up to you.
6. Every morning think of three things you're grateful for and three things that could be worse. You'll be starting your day on the right foot.
7. Don't try to change others. Accept them as they are and hope they change rather than not accepting them at all until they change.
8. Close your mouth and cover your nose, then try to take three deep breaths. Realize how awful it feels, and know that some people breath that way all day. Now uncover your nose and open your mouth and take three deep breaths to remind yourself how great it feels.
10. Remember someone who did something very caring toward you. Let yourself fill up with the gratitude you feel.
My simplest advice on bringing calm to a marriage is what I write when I sign my books.
Never be ...
- ...too rushed to say, "Thank you"
- ...too proud to say, "I'm sorry"
- ...too angry to say, "Good night"
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
