Bestof
'Why Aren't Women Sexually Aggressive?'
QUESTION: I recently read your article about why men stop having sex with their wives. One reason that you didn't mention is that men get tired of being the instigator. Granted, there are men outside the norm who lose interest themselves, but I would venture to guess that oftentimes men are waiting for their wives to initiate the intimacy (i.e., "Let's see how long it takes her to ask me for sex"). Otherwise, the woman complains about being woken up, about missing Letterman, etc. To me, it's not worth it. I'll let her come to me. Or am I the only man facing such a problem?
ANSWER: The short answer: You're not the only man with this problem. Many guys secretly wish that their wives would be the sexual aggressor. It is widely believed that the woman taking charge in bed is the second most popular male sexual fantasy. (We think you can all guess what number one is.)
Not surprisingly -- and this isn't exactly headline news -- the woman as initiator seems to go against our cultural grain. Many men believe that they are the ones who are supposed to jump-start intimacy, and many women believe this, too. As a result, few men will make such a request of their partners. Perhaps they see it as a threat to their masculinity. Yet it is extremely possible that a woman would like to be the aggressor, but is timid about doing so.
We assume you are writing from personal experience. If so, have you ever asked your partner to be the one to suggest making love, at least once in a while? It never ceases to amaze us how many couples (especially those in sexless marriages) do not talk to each about what they need and want. Of course, there is a major caveat here. If this evening you tell your wife that you would like her to occasionally be the sexual aggressor, and tomorrow night she becomes the lingerie wearing, high-heeled seductress of your dreams, you had better react with enthusiasm and passion.
