Where Are the Fireworks?

Dear Steve and Cathy,
My husband and I have been married for nine years but don't have children. From the beginning of our relationship, he's felt more toward me than I have toward him. I hoped my feelings would have grown over the years, but they haven't and it's hurting him to be with me and see that something is missing for me. Do I stay with him knowing I feel more of a surface love than a deep love and don't feel the excitement with him? -- S.

Steve says:
You know what you need to do, you're just looking for permission to do it. Permission granted.

Follow your heart and get on with your journey. Your mission in life is to find love and the excitement that comes with being in love. Sure, it won't be fireworks forever and the research is clear: Passion tends to fade over time, especially for women. But you never had it to begin with, and that's where you (and your husband) are hurting.

You're at a crossroads. Do you have the courage to be who you've become? Or do you retreat to the safe harbor of who you've been up to now.

Our three C's of a successful relationship are chemistry, commitment and communication. It all begins with chemistry, which isn't just the genital gymnastics of a relationship, but what the philosopher Bertrand Russell described as a similarity of values as well.

Without chemistry, commitment is built upon sand.

Communication also comes up short, for although good communication keeps a relationship vibrant and alive, in your case, after you clear away the weeds, you still don't have much of a rose garden.

The good news: You don't have kids. If you did, I'd probably do a 180 on you and say work on your marriage because the research is fairly consistent -- divorce is hazardous to a child's emotional development. You're two adults. No harm, no foul.

Yes, the next year or two will be difficult for your husband. But even he'll be better off later down the line. There's a time to renew your relationship at midlife and a time to renew your individual lives at midlife. Your heart knows the answer. It's time to listen, and to act.

Cathy says:
After nine years, I'm not sure what excitement you want. Love ebbs and flows. As Steve says, it's not always fireworks. But you do need some passion to hold you together. The question is, do you have enough in common -- similar values, fun activities, good sex -- to make it through the hard times?

I'm most worried about infidelity coming into play. He doesn't feel desired; you don't feel connected. Many people use an affair to end a dissatisfying marriage. Don't be one of them. End it first.

You also need to look at your marriage models (your parents' marriage), your own expectations of marriage and this specific partner. Are you reasonable in what you want, and are you realistic in what your partner should and can give you? As women, we often want and expect too much from a relationship.

Perhaps you have more than you think and don't see it. Try other changes in your life to give you the pleasure and contentment you seek, like a new job or health regimen rather than a new partner.

If what keeps you in this marriage is your fear of being alone or of hurting him, I would leave. You're already hurting him and stopping yourself from finding a relationship that is fun and has meaning. Both of you deserve to be loved and cared for by people who want you in their lives.

The Bottom Line From Cathy and Steve:
1) Relationships that don't begin with chemistry begin with a leg down. It's not all there is, but it's an important ingredient. Look for it next time around.

2) Be realistic with your expectations, but when it comes to midlife change, don't be afraid to follow your heart.

3) Don't switch horses midstream. End a relationship first. Only then move on to a new one.