Health
What's On Your Man's Mind?
So you wanna know what's on your non-communicative guy's mind? As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. Here are 10 common guy complaints that men believe are better left unsaid:
1. "You used to think I was funny." Many men wonder what happened to the girl they used to make laugh, and why she now looks at him as silly. Yet women find it hard to laugh when a guy hasn't followed through on things he promised to do.
2. "I said I'd do it! Just stop nagging me!" Men wonder why women burst out telling them to do things now when they're busy doing something else. And women think that there's rarely a good time to ask men anything.
3. "I want sex, but I'd rather not have to initiate it -- again." It's tough for men to keep initiating sex when their partners aren't in the mood. Then if men become sullen at the lack of sex, women will be turned off and even less likely to get in the mood, much less initiate physical intimacy.
4. "You don't want me to listen to you; you want me to agree with you." Men like the give-and-take in conversations and they don't like directives to change opinions and agree, while pretending they're having an open discussion.
5. "How is it that you're so sure what I'm feeling when you haven't bothered to find out the facts?" Men can't stand when women presume what makes them tick, especially when women dish it out, but can't take it in return. Women can't understand why their words cause defensiveness when they're only trying to make their mate a better person.
6. "Why does needing a little quiet time mean I'm aloof, shut down or, worse, sneaky?" Men come home and just want some time to relax. Women often feel that they themselves never get a break. Resentment in either direction makes it even more difficult to relax.
7. "If I don't say you look great, I'm critical; if I do, then I'm just saying it to pacify you." Women who frequently ask how they look are going to start looking unattractive. Women wonder why men check out other women, yet could care less about the appearance of their own partner.
8. "When I'm too overloaded with details from my day to listen to yours, it means I don't care. Yet when you ask what's on my mind and I begin to tell you, you change the subject." It's tough for guys to listen to the details of their mate's day when they have no available brain space. And when they do open up, it's frustrating for them to begin to share, only to discover that their partner isn't interested.
9. "If you spend money to decorate our home, that's for us. If I spend money on things I like, I'm being selfish." Men are often puzzled and resentful when their wives fix up the home for "both of them," when the men themselves could be happy living in a Winnebago. Then, when they buy something that's purely fun for themselves, men are considered selfish. Women wonder, though, why their men then show pride when friends are impressed with how great their place looks.
10. "Why are you always trying to change me?" Men often wonder why they were good enough the way they were when they met their wives, yet now it seems that nothing they do is ever good enough.
Feel like exploding from all these wrongful charges? Want to deliver your list to the guy in your life?
Here's a better suggestion. Print up this list, share it with your guy, and ask him these three questions:
1. How many of these thoughts do you have?
2. How much do they bother you, and for how long have they been on your mind?
3. How worried were you that I'd explode if you said them to me?
If your partner does have these common complaints, bring them out in the open and talk them through. Find out how and why he came to feel frustrated in certain ways -- so you can stop the frustrations from coming between you.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
1. "You used to think I was funny." Many men wonder what happened to the girl they used to make laugh, and why she now looks at him as silly. Yet women find it hard to laugh when a guy hasn't followed through on things he promised to do.
2. "I said I'd do it! Just stop nagging me!" Men wonder why women burst out telling them to do things now when they're busy doing something else. And women think that there's rarely a good time to ask men anything.
3. "I want sex, but I'd rather not have to initiate it -- again." It's tough for men to keep initiating sex when their partners aren't in the mood. Then if men become sullen at the lack of sex, women will be turned off and even less likely to get in the mood, much less initiate physical intimacy.
4. "You don't want me to listen to you; you want me to agree with you." Men like the give-and-take in conversations and they don't like directives to change opinions and agree, while pretending they're having an open discussion.
5. "How is it that you're so sure what I'm feeling when you haven't bothered to find out the facts?" Men can't stand when women presume what makes them tick, especially when women dish it out, but can't take it in return. Women can't understand why their words cause defensiveness when they're only trying to make their mate a better person.
6. "Why does needing a little quiet time mean I'm aloof, shut down or, worse, sneaky?" Men come home and just want some time to relax. Women often feel that they themselves never get a break. Resentment in either direction makes it even more difficult to relax.
7. "If I don't say you look great, I'm critical; if I do, then I'm just saying it to pacify you." Women who frequently ask how they look are going to start looking unattractive. Women wonder why men check out other women, yet could care less about the appearance of their own partner.
8. "When I'm too overloaded with details from my day to listen to yours, it means I don't care. Yet when you ask what's on my mind and I begin to tell you, you change the subject." It's tough for guys to listen to the details of their mate's day when they have no available brain space. And when they do open up, it's frustrating for them to begin to share, only to discover that their partner isn't interested.
9. "If you spend money to decorate our home, that's for us. If I spend money on things I like, I'm being selfish." Men are often puzzled and resentful when their wives fix up the home for "both of them," when the men themselves could be happy living in a Winnebago. Then, when they buy something that's purely fun for themselves, men are considered selfish. Women wonder, though, why their men then show pride when friends are impressed with how great their place looks.
10. "Why are you always trying to change me?" Men often wonder why they were good enough the way they were when they met their wives, yet now it seems that nothing they do is ever good enough.
Feel like exploding from all these wrongful charges? Want to deliver your list to the guy in your life?
Here's a better suggestion. Print up this list, share it with your guy, and ask him these three questions:
1. How many of these thoughts do you have?
2. How much do they bother you, and for how long have they been on your mind?
3. How worried were you that I'd explode if you said them to me?
If your partner does have these common complaints, bring them out in the open and talk them through. Find out how and why he came to feel frustrated in certain ways -- so you can stop the frustrations from coming between you.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
