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The Sources of Sexual Frustration
How many couples live out some variation of this situation, little realizing that they may well be causing the other's reaction? How many end up at loggerheads over sex or with some kind of [emotional distance] between them because of it?
Despite the stereotypes, it's not always men who want sex and women who don't. I'm not sure where that myth comes from, but most men find at some stage of their lives that there are hours in a day and even days in a week when they don't think about sex. Or when perhaps the brain is engaged, but the equipment just doesn't want to play.
Another not uncommon possibility is that the flesh may be ready and raring to go, but the heart is not in it. An erection means that a man can have sex; it doesn't mean that he wants to or ought to or is going to get an opportunity to.
There are also many women whose libido is higher than their partner's. Women who have grown beyond all of the ways their socialization can repress their sexuality may well find themselves in the driving seat of their sexual relationship. Someone else may be frustratingly applying the brakes. Having learned how to fly and make the most of an impressive engine capacity, it can be devastating to have no one wanting to soar with you. This is one area where flying solo is often not the most desired mode.
Whichever gender that is happening to, it can be painful. No one likes to feel rejected; that can be a real challenge for the self-esteem. The first impulse is to assume a loss of attractiveness, but in fact, that's often not even a part of the picture. It can be hard to believe that, though, when no interest is being shown.
Often a vicious downward spiral is set in place. Lots of effort may be put into persuading, seducing or shaming the less interested partner to "put out." But who wants to have sex with someone who is going to sulk all day if you say no? Since when has that been a turn-on? Hints, jokes and gropes don't do it, either.
It's great to put time and energy into keeping sex alive in the relationship, but how that's done is quite a delicate matter. Anything that puts the less-interested partner under pressure is guaranteed to fail. Pressure is a big turnoff for most people.
