She Wants Comfort, He Wants Nookie

Dear Steve and Cathy,
I'm about to have a double mastectomy and just want to be held and hugged. I'm no longer interested in sex before this surgery. And to make things less sexual, I was taken off estrogen last month. However, my husband wants sex now more than ever! I guess it's his way of proving everything is OK. Is this normal? --L.

Cathy says:

I know I feel like hugging you! What a challenge you're going through, on all fronts! You have concerns about your health, your life, your body and now your husband.

Typically men don't deal well with the threat of losing their partner. OK, actually, no one does. But most men tend to avoid their feelings, and at this point this male strategy doesn't work.

You need reassurance, love, the opportunity to digest all this, and to make sense of what's happening. Unfortunately, the genders often do this differently.

I think you're right about him wanting to prove that everything is OK -- and that he wants to show you you're desirous and sexy. He's afraid and needs to be close to you. You might be out of commission for a while, between surgery, treatment and psychological adjusting, so he also might be going for the gusto while he can.

But this is not about him. He needs to support you. Tell him what you need. Remind him that this is a serious event in your life, and that you need him to be strong and to take care of you. Although this will challenge you and your relationship, it has the potential to strengthen both as well.

Steve says:

Such hurdles can indeed strengthen a marriage. Nietzsche's "That which does not kill me makes me stronger" applies to relationships, too. That which does not destroy us as a couple can deepen our friendship, loyalty and intimacy.

Often it's not the stress and conflict itself, but how we handle them that defines us and shapes the direction of our marital journey. Communication is always important in a relationship; during a crisis, it's doubly so.

That sounds nice, but what's it mean? It means having the courage to risk sharing your deepest fears and your innermost needs. As Cathy said, tell him what you need. That's not easy when what you need is to be taken care of and comforted on such a vulnerable and terrifying level.

It also means listening deeply to what your partner says -- as well as what he doesn't say. He's likely terrified, too. And because we males are often penile-centric (OK, so it's not in Webster's, but you get the point), he's reaching out in one of the few ways he knows how.

So read between the lines. He'll probably be open to redirection when he hears how desperately you need him and senses that you also understand how frightened he is of losing you, too. As terrifying as these challenges are, they are indeed opportunities for personal, marital and spiritual growth.

The Bottom Line From Cathy and Steve:
1. This is a time for your husband to support you and to put his needs on the back burner.

2. Men often use sex as a vehicle for intimacy, so give him the benefit of the doubt. He's probably as frightened as you are and just trying to feel close.

3. Stress and hardship have the potential to bring couples closer together. It usually boils down to having the courage to risk sharing your vulnerability.

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