Sexual Freedom and Discovery

Dear Dr. Betty,

Every once in a while, my husband and I do non-routine things while making love. I love it when this happens, but I can't bring myself to initiate it and don't tell him that I like it. How can I bring myself to do this? We're open and honest about everything else in our relationship. --T.

Dear T.,

We all deal with mixed messages in our society about sex. On the one hand movies, television, the Internet and some of our friends say, "Let it all hang out." But, our upbringing and our religious teachings tell many of us that sex is a no-no subject. We are cautioned to not say, not do, and not even think about it -- remember my column on fantasy?

You wrote because you want to enjoy your sex life to the fullest and let go of the restrictive messages from your early years -- and that's great! Know that this will take some time and effort, but it'll certainly be worth it.

Desensitize! By starting with the least threatening desires and slowly and systematically telling your husband what you like during sex and then initiating it, you'll learn to tolerate your uncomfortable feelings over time. People who fear heights and flying use this method all the time -- it's called systematic desensitization. Try it, but always remember that going slowly and taking things step-by-step is your guiding principle. If you find you're uncomfortable at any point, go back to the previous step.

 
Assert your desires. With your open and honest relationship, you're lucky. I'll bet your husband's ready, willing, and eager for you to enhance your already strong relationship with some creativity and fun -- we can never have too much of a good thing! With this exercise, you'll develop a comfort level, from the least threatening -- talking -- to the more challenging -- doing the initiating.

1. Start slow. During the day compliment your husband and verbally express your affection. Let him know what you like about him as a person, how he looks, and the wonderful way he treats you.

2. Plan. Before having sex, think of ways you'd like the room to look -- low lighting, music, what you'll wear. Then, tell your husband your plans, and ask how he feels about them. If he approves, he's giving you positive reinforcement -- a great attribute in a spouse!

3. Open up. When making love, have your husband ask you what you like that he's doing and then tell him.

4. Now, speed up a little. Pay attention to your body and its sensations during sex. If you want him to touch you in a different place, ask. If asking makes you nervous, go back to Step 3 for a few times -- there's no rush, you're on a comfort-building mission.

5. Use your imagination and creativity. During the day, think of new sexual positions or fantasies you'd like to share. In the evening, ask your husband what he would like to try differently and then have him ask you. Do this in a conversational style while sitting at the dinner table or in the living room -- keep it out of the bedroom for now. Monitor your feelings; talk about them with your husband. If you're uncomfortable, let him know and go back to step 4 or 3.

6. Tell and show. You've let your husband know where you like to be touched, how you want the bedroom to look, and what you're looking forward to trying sexually. While having sex, stop at an opportune time and let him know what new and unique things you would like to try. And show him -- this time you're the initiator.

And, again, if you're uncomfortable, go back a couple of steps. There is no rush: you are slowly and systematically moving towards your goal of feeling more free sexually. Most of all, congratulate yourself for taking control and tolerating your uncomfortable feelings long enough to break through. Have a successful -- and fun -- journey!

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Bonus Question: Pleasure Principle -- He's ready to call it quits after five years because he says his passion for pleasure isn't being satisfied.

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