Opposites Attract...But Do They Stick It Out?

Dear Dr. Betty,

My husband and I have done our own thing for many years. I like the outdoors and he likes the city life. We have two kids, and he works out of town all week. I feel a void, because we don't feel the same way about life. Can a relationship between two opposites be fulfilling and last? --L.

Dear L.,

"Opposites attract" or "Like attracts like..." Which of these sayings reflects the truth about relationships? Actually...they both do!

We're attracted to people who represent our ideal selves, who show strength when we feel weak. We also are attracted to people who share our tastes and temperaments. Similarities make relationships easier. In fact, differences can, over time, become annoying or pose major problems.

You and your husband could be avoiding each other. Doing your own thing for so many years may have provided you with a comfort level and helped you both avoid true intimacy. Now you want to get close, but does he?

What was your initial attraction to your husband? If you were aware of his different interests when you married, why did you overlook them? I bet your husband has many positive traits that need to be rediscovered.

Clearly you each have strong preferences and strengths, but your relationship needs an injection of honesty, communication, and work. With work and understanding your marriage can meet your, your partner's, and your marriage's needs. Yes, it's a challenge, but it's worth pursuing for you and your kids!

Turn Up the Heat: Since your husband's gone all week, you need to connect on the weekends in a warm and loving way. It sounds like he's willing to live with the status quo, so like many wives, you've gotta take the initiative! Take a deep breath and plan a meeting without distractions.

Recollect: Expressions of appreciation will set the stage beautifully for your discussion. Here are some ideas that'll get you rolling:

1. Take turns talking about what initially attracted you to each other, and the early loving experiences you had together.
2. Next, be honest and kind while you talk about the present. Tell him how you feel and what you want, and don't turn him off with accusations. Say something like, "I've been feeling alone for a while now. I miss you and want to spend special time with you on the weekends. I know I need this, and our relationship needs this, too." Create a space in your conversation for him to respond, and respect his statements.
3. Be specific and clear, and avoid rambling. For example, you might say, "I'd like to go camping with you." Also ask what he'd like to do with you.
4. Finally, negotiate and agree to honor each other's wishes.

Acceptance Is Key: Trying each other's ideas for "together time" could brighten your situation. You'll also need to accept your husband and relinquish the struggle to fix him. Accept what you can't change, and work at walking in his shoes. Remember that it's not your differences, but your resistance to them, that cause pain in your relationship. The poet Goethe wisely said, "To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in another only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him." If you work at it, you can improve your marriage.

For more information on accepting differences, see my book, "Loving Midlife Marriage: A Guide to Keeping Romance Alive from the Empty Nest Through Retirement"" (John Wiley & Sons, 1999).

---------
Bonus Question: Too Shy to Talk It Out "How can I confront my husband about our unhappy marriage? I'm afraid to bring it up." --A.

What Do You Think? See what Dr. Betty has to say, and tell us your opinion in the box at the bottom of the page. Go>