Romance
Move Forward or Back Out?
QUESTION: I'm 55 and have never been married, although I did live with my previous boyfriend for many years. My current partner is 65 and twice-divorced. We've been dating for over two years, but our relationship does not seem to be moving forward. Yes, we are exclusive, and we see each other on weekends and occasionally during the week, but that's about it. I was thinking that a romantic dinner out on Valentine's Day might be a good way of bringing up the issue -- that is, of asking him to clarify where this relationship is headed. Do you think this is being too forward? Should I just leave a pretty good thing alone, or try to make it better (i.e., the way I want it to be)?
ANSWER: We don't think that you are "being too forward" for wanting to know where the relationship is heading; after all, it has been two years. Your timing, however, may be a problem. We think that if the two of you decide to go to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's Day, it should be to celebrate love and romance, and not (on your part) a cryptic way of obtaining information. Often people expect Valentine's Day to result in a bit of magic -- a marriage proposal, or an agreement to live together, or a declaration of undying love. And, of course, it may be an ideal time for these things to happen. The problem is, if commitment is expected as part of the meal, you might well be in for disappointment. We definitely suggest having "the talk" some other night.
We are also a little concerned by another part of your question: "Should I just leave a pretty good thing alone, or try to make it better (i.e., the way I want it to be)?" A relationship is a two-way street. It can never be just the way you want it. Having it your way may work for Burger King -- at least as an advertising slogan -- but not for a relationship. Being a couple is about agreeing on how things can work for both of you.
You say that the relationship is already exclusive and that you see each other on a regular basis, so we assume that what you want is to spend more time together, live together, or even eventually marry. Firstly, are you sure that this is what you want, or are you simply afraid that if the relationship doesn't move forward it may end? (From what you've told us, it probably won't.) If fully sharing a life with this man is important to you, and you are, in fact, not happy with your current situation, you should speak to him about it -- just not during your romantic dinner. Even if all you want is to hear him verbalize his feelings and thoughts about whether or not the future includes you, wait for another day.
