Health
Money Matters in Marriage
Money may or may not be the root of all evil (personally, I think it's greed), but it certainly is at the root of many marital spats. Depending on which survey you read, money problems are more often the cause of arguments than sex or children.
Conflicts between spender and saver have never been friendly. And nowadays, when money is not exactly flowing into many of our bank accounts, it's even easier to slip into the nasty zone.
Here are 10 things to do to avoid money conflicts at home:
1. Talk from the fear underneath the frustration. The saver fears running out of money, and kicks himself for giving in to his partner. The spender, on the other hand, often uses spending as a coping mechanism for frustration, hurt, anger and fear. The spender's mantra: "Spend away those gray feelings."
2. Agree upon a long-term goal, then work backward. Sit down together and decide how much you'd like to have saved in five years. Next, break that amount down into one-year intervals. Finally, come up with a plan for what the two of you could do differently to make or save enough money to reach that goal.
3. Let's make a deal! If you're skeptical about getting the spender in your life to start saving, here's what to say: "I know I'm asking you to do without something that's part of who you are. So, let's do a trade. Tell me of a change you'd like me to make that would be good for you and hard for me. Then maybe you'll feel that you're getting something in exchange for what you're giving up."
4. If you're a saver, don't shame, guilt-trip or talk down to your partner. It's possible that your mate spends to cope with feelings of relationship frustration. If your partner wasn't a spender before meeting you, seek to find out what's missing for him or her in the relationship that may have caused the spending to start.
5. Learn the art of the Cheap Date -- without cheapening your relationship. Remember when you first met and how being together was more satisfying than buying together? Brainstorm about simpler ways to spend time together.
6. Baby steps count, too. Think of simple changes that could add up over the long term. For example, calculate what you'd save in a year by starting each morning with a home-brewed coffee instead of a Starbucks expresso. How much would you save by cooking at home instead of eating out? Continue to remind yourself of how even small changes can increase your savings.
7. Just stay home without it. As the commercial says, "Dinner for two: $50.00. Two movie tickets: $16.00. Two popcorns and drinks: $8.00. One evening at home with a couple candles, a couple glasses of wine, a video, romantic music, a massage and lovemaking: priceless."
8. Vacation locally instead of exotically. Many couples spend a lot of time and money planning an exotic, expensive trip, with him fantasizing about sex and her about making love. Often, however, both sides feel so pressured that nothing happens. Then, to cope with the disappointment, they shop, shop, shop. To avoid this scenario, try a less costly, local trip where you emphasize bringing quality back into your relationship instead of focusing on material things.
9. Increase involvement and you won't need to indulge yourselves. Bring the love back into your relationship with the Three Cs of caring: show concern by hearing each other out; show curiosity by asking about things that worry or excite your partner; show confidence by trusting and encouraging your mate to make her own decisions and to do her best at whatever challenges loom.
10. Slow down, stop foolish pride and quickly let go of grudges. Never be too rushed to say, "Thank you," too proud to say, "I'm sorry," or too angry to say, "Good night."
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
Conflicts between spender and saver have never been friendly. And nowadays, when money is not exactly flowing into many of our bank accounts, it's even easier to slip into the nasty zone.
Here are 10 things to do to avoid money conflicts at home:
1. Talk from the fear underneath the frustration. The saver fears running out of money, and kicks himself for giving in to his partner. The spender, on the other hand, often uses spending as a coping mechanism for frustration, hurt, anger and fear. The spender's mantra: "Spend away those gray feelings."
2. Agree upon a long-term goal, then work backward. Sit down together and decide how much you'd like to have saved in five years. Next, break that amount down into one-year intervals. Finally, come up with a plan for what the two of you could do differently to make or save enough money to reach that goal.
3. Let's make a deal! If you're skeptical about getting the spender in your life to start saving, here's what to say: "I know I'm asking you to do without something that's part of who you are. So, let's do a trade. Tell me of a change you'd like me to make that would be good for you and hard for me. Then maybe you'll feel that you're getting something in exchange for what you're giving up."
4. If you're a saver, don't shame, guilt-trip or talk down to your partner. It's possible that your mate spends to cope with feelings of relationship frustration. If your partner wasn't a spender before meeting you, seek to find out what's missing for him or her in the relationship that may have caused the spending to start.
5. Learn the art of the Cheap Date -- without cheapening your relationship. Remember when you first met and how being together was more satisfying than buying together? Brainstorm about simpler ways to spend time together.
6. Baby steps count, too. Think of simple changes that could add up over the long term. For example, calculate what you'd save in a year by starting each morning with a home-brewed coffee instead of a Starbucks expresso. How much would you save by cooking at home instead of eating out? Continue to remind yourself of how even small changes can increase your savings.
7. Just stay home without it. As the commercial says, "Dinner for two: $50.00. Two movie tickets: $16.00. Two popcorns and drinks: $8.00. One evening at home with a couple candles, a couple glasses of wine, a video, romantic music, a massage and lovemaking: priceless."
8. Vacation locally instead of exotically. Many couples spend a lot of time and money planning an exotic, expensive trip, with him fantasizing about sex and her about making love. Often, however, both sides feel so pressured that nothing happens. Then, to cope with the disappointment, they shop, shop, shop. To avoid this scenario, try a less costly, local trip where you emphasize bringing quality back into your relationship instead of focusing on material things.
9. Increase involvement and you won't need to indulge yourselves. Bring the love back into your relationship with the Three Cs of caring: show concern by hearing each other out; show curiosity by asking about things that worry or excite your partner; show confidence by trusting and encouraging your mate to make her own decisions and to do her best at whatever challenges loom.
10. Slow down, stop foolish pride and quickly let go of grudges. Never be too rushed to say, "Thank you," too proud to say, "I'm sorry," or too angry to say, "Good night."
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
