Meeting Single Friends -- and Men

Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm 54 and alone after 30 years of marriage. I'm trying to start a new life and meet new men but I don't have single friends to go to bars or restaurants with. The only singles group in the area is for folks in their late 60s and 70s. Where else can I go to meet new friends, especially men, and be comfortable doing it? --D.

Dear D.,

In the past few years the divorce rate for ThirdAgers and older has risen and there are more single midlifers looking for companionship and love than ever -- so your question is one I'm asked often.

First off, know that friends are very important in jumpstarting your new life. They can introduce you to others, who introduce you to others, and so on, creating a chain reaction. Do you still have some married friends in your corner? If so, meet one or two for lunch. Let them know you are looking for new relationships that also include single friends.

Remember the Kevin Costner movie, "Field of Dreams?" Use the same premise: If you build it, they will come. Begin by building your flexibility and willingness to pursue activities you love. Also examine what went on during your marriage so that your deck is clearer for new activities: What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? And what parts of yourself did you ignore?

Where to Start:

1. Get involved. If you love sports, get active in a sports group. Love music? Take a class at the local high school or college. Always wanted to help those less fortunate? Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Pick one or two activities from your list that you can fit into your schedule. If you work full-time, plan activities in the evenings or on weekends.
2. Be open. You don't have to only go to singles events. In fact, there's an advantage to socializing outside of the singles scene! You'll avoid the meat market atmosphere, competition, and intensity that often accompany events for singles.
3. Try positive emotion promotion. Each morning and during the day remind yourself of your great qualities. Accentuating the positive is always a good move!
4. Go out! Give yourself at least three chances to check out the different scenes and people.
5. Be Flexible: Remember, you're looking for friends as well as men. Do you have strict criteria? If so, lower your expectations to realistic levels. Be open to talking to anyone you find attractive. Anywhere -- at the market, a play, a concert.

Even though we've grown up hearing that opposites attract, many research studies confirm that the more similar you are to your partner, the better chance you have of making your relationship work. Don't worry, you're not going to meet your twin. No matter how similar we seem, all couples have at least 10 -- 15 areas in which we're totally different. The men you meet may not share all of your values, interests, and expectations, but being flexible will help you handle the differences.

Vow to get involved and fill up your life. If you build this involvement, new friends and lovers will come to you!

Bonus Question: A Husband's Topless Bar Fantasy "I am upset by my husband's obsession that I go to a topless bar with him. Help!" --K.

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