Health
Lois Wyse: Reaching Out to Daughter After Divorce
DEAR LOIS: When my wife and I divorced in 1994, my wife vowed I would never see my daughter again. My 13-year-old daughter was told that if she visits me, she will be abducted to a foreign country and never see her mom or friends. My ex-wife also said I gave away my daughter's bedroom furniture in the property division (this is not true; I think my wife sold the dressers and blames me). We all live in the same town, and my two sons (ages 18 and 22) do come for holiday meals although, with their busy school lives, they rarely return phone calls. My real problem is my daughter. She hangs up the phone if I call. I send her birthday and Christmas gifts and occasionally flowers, which her brothers say she keeps. I think my boys will grow closer in the years ahead, and they think that eventually my daughter will let me into her life. Is there anything more I should be doing? WISCONSIN DAD
DEAR WD: I agree with your sons, and they will undoubtedly be your strongest allies in the years ahead. As your relationship with the sons improves, your daughter may begin to see what she is missing in terms of love and warmth. Your daughter is obviously torn by loyalty to her mother and a desire for a life that would include you. At the moment she has made the decision to stand by her mother and, as a loving father, all you can do at this time is continue to let her know that she is always in your thoughts and that you respect her loyalty to her mother. Even though she may hang up the phone and fail to thank you for gifts, she knows that you've not given up on her. Once she has gone through her turbulent teen years, she may begin to understand better that a father's love is a great support for any maturing female. Be as patient as you can, and continue to express the deep love you feel and, perhaps she, like her brothers, will begin to open the door for you.
DEAR LOIS: My mother died when I turned 14, and two months later I became pregnant. My father never wanted to know anything about the father, consequently I had no contact with my daughter's father. My daughter has led a troubled life, is now 29 and HIV positive. She wants desperately to know and see her father, but I don t know how to find him. Do you know of any reputable service that could help? I don't have much money but would sacrifice if I thought I could get results. DESPERATE
DEAR DESPERATE: We have investigated for you and suggest you contact two Internet searches that have worked for many people. Both are owned by Yahoo, one is http://www.bigfoot.com/ and the second is http://www.four11.com/. You know that nothing is guaranteed, but we hope this will be a good starting place for you. Best of luck.
DEAR LOIS: Our oldest son, his wife and two daughters (10 and 12) live thousands of miles from us. When they come to visit, they stay with our other son, and the two girls have very little to say to us. Instead they play with neighbor kids. My son and daughter-in-law spend more time with our other son and his wife than they do with us. When they married 15 years ago, I tried to be friendly but found my daughter-in-law aloof and distant. It's heartbreaking to me to have this coldness when we're together. We go to visit them and always stay for several weeks in our own RV. My husband is very ill; I suppose last summer's visit to them will be our last because I know that, if my husband is gone, I'll not be invited. I do have other children and have good relationships with them. FAR AWAY MOM-IN-LAW
DEAR FAR AWAY: I realize you re not asking advice; you're simply using this forum to express the feelings of a lot of mothers-in-law. It's hard for many of us who raise our sons to be good men and are grateful when they turn out to be loving husbands and fine fathers to find that some of our sons cannot simultaneously maintain the close relationship with parents. It is particularly difficult when we see that we do not communicate well with grandchildren. I do know that grandchildren will almost always prefer to play with other kids, but if we grandparents offer some options (baking goodies with us when they come to visit, renting videos, going to local places of interest), sometimes we can capture their interest for short periods of time. What we all have to remember is that kids prefer kids -- nothing personal, Grandma, but that s the way life is.
(To ask a question, offer a comment or anecdote about your family life, send e-mail to Lois Wyse at loisw@thirdage.com.)
