Health
Lois Wyse: Improving Relationship with Daughter-in-Law
DEAR LOIS: My daughter-in-law has always been jealous of me. I don t know why. I certainly don't give her any. I'm now uncomfortable visiting my son, his wife and their two children. She ridicules me in front of her friend and is obnoxious. An example: They just bought a new house and she announced there will be no smoking in it. Last weekend when I visited, my son said he was going to the garage for a smoke. I said I would join him. This caused a fight, with my son's wife saying, "Your mother comes for a visit, and you both leave me by myself." A smoke break usually takes about ten minutes. Last weekend when I invited them to my house for supper, the excuse was that the car broke down. I had a good relationship with my son, and he used to call me and sound happy. Now he never calls me. I call him. What should I do? MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: Before I answer, I want to ask a question: Why would any grandmother who loves her grandchildren fuss because she can't smoke in their house? Smoking is enough to make any health-conscious mother annoyed and angry. Now, why is this young woman jealous of your relationship with your son? I can't guess all the reasons for her insecurity, but it sounds as if she means to replace you (as best she can) in your son's affections and in the ways you influence his life. Perhaps the best thing you can do is try to build a neutral atmosphere between the two of you. Try to establish a relationship with her that involves the children. You could begin by calling to ask about the children -- at hours when you know your son is away. Invite her and the children to supper without your son. She seems to need you to recognize her as an individual and needs sympathy, not tough talk. It will be hard to do this; I hope you'll be able to find the patience. It will be worth it if you can make it easier for your son to reestablish his loving relationship with you. From the next letter, you ll see that jealousy is as old as humans.
DEAR LOIS: My grandson Kevin, age five, is jealous of a Maltese puppy my son purchased last year Ever since the dog moved in with the family, both Kevin and his older sister Line (8) have been abusing the dog by pulling his tail and hitting -- and now, kicking -- him. Kevin has been punished each time he's caught abusing the dog. The dog growls whenever Kevin hurts him, so the parents hit the dog for growling and cage him. My son wants me to take the dog for a month to see if Kevin will react and miss the dog and promise not to harm him. What do you think? ANNETTE
DEAR ANNETTE: A better idea might be for you to take Kevin and let them keep the dog. Does anyone wonder why Kevin is abusing the dog? Is he following the actions of his older sister? Looking for attention? What's behind all this? Sounds as if Kevin is unhappy. Was he told how one treats a dog before the dog arrived? Did his parents take him to visit dogs and see the way other children and parents treat their family pets? He needs his parents (and you, if appropriate) to explain that it's time to make the dog a part of the family. Perhaps one way of making the dog a part of the family would be to have you take the dog for a month. Kevin and Line could visit each day or week to play with him at specified periods so that, gradually, the dog and the children would gain each others' trust and make sure that all the family is ready for the dog to come home.
