Health
Lois Wyse: Coming to Terms With Divorce
DEAR LOIS: My divorce was final four years ago. My daughter, 23 and married, blames the breakup of the marriage between her mother and me on me. Because I have remarried, my daughter refuses to talk to me, returns all gifts (except cash or checks). She has told me and friends that she will never have anything to do with me so long as I am married to "that person." I feel that a trip to see her might help, but my current wife says we should go together. If that happens, I will be no further along than I now am. I feel as if I am caught between two trains and each is pulling in a different direction. STEVE
DEAR STEVE: Well, you'll never get on the right track until you convince your present wife that you have a responsibility to yourself (not to mention your daughter) to see your daughter alone. And when you see that disturbed daughter (yes, she's disturbed because she probably feels she's between two trains, too -- one with you and one with her mother), you have to be honest with her. Tell her exactly why you and her mother are divorced; explain that you want a relationship with her, and remind her that each of you has a spouse to whom you owe a primary commitment. You do not expect her to stop functioning as a daughter because she is a wife, nor should you have to give up being a husband in order to be a good father. Let her know you respect her feelings for her mother, and explain that you didn't divorce her. Remind her you're still her father, and you love her. Right. Those old-fashioned words "I love you" still work between parents and children.
DEAR STEVE: Well, you'll never get on the right track until you convince your present wife that you have a responsibility to yourself (not to mention your daughter) to see your daughter alone. And when you see that disturbed daughter (yes, she's disturbed because she probably feels she's between two trains, too -- one with you and one with her mother), you have to be honest with her. Tell her exactly why you and her mother are divorced; explain that you want a relationship with her, and remind her that each of you has a spouse to whom you owe a primary commitment. You do not expect her to stop functioning as a daughter because she is a wife, nor should you have to give up being a husband in order to be a good father. Let her know you respect her feelings for her mother, and explain that you didn't divorce her. Remind her you're still her father, and you love her. Right. Those old-fashioned words "I love you" still work between parents and children.
