He's Lost His Zest for Sex

Dear Dr. Betty,

My wife, now my ex-wife, had an affair with the married pastor of our church and we've been divorced for four years. Since then, I haven't been interested in sex. Recently, I met a nice woman that I like. Should I take medication to boost my sex drive? --P.

Dear P.,

I don't think we're just talking about sexual matters here. You've been through a trauma with your wife's affair. The initial shock, along with anger, shame and sadness, could bring on depression -- a completely understandable reaction. And when we're depressed, we can lose our zest for sex and for life, in general.

Before you opt for medical solutions, there are some questions you can consider and the answers you come to will help you decide what course to take:

1. What is your sexual history?
2. Are you someone who has naturally had lowered levels of desire -- no sexual thoughts, feelings or fantasies?
3. Do you have a medical condition or are you taking medications that interfere with desire and performance?

If your level of desire was up before your wife's affair, then counseling may help to work things out. Talking honestly with friends or your special lady will also help. No matter what your history or which route you take to jump-start your desire levels, nice and easy always wins the race.

Another option you might want to try is this exercise recommended by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., in his book, "The New Male Sexuality" (Random House, 1999) -- it's called "simmering." You are simmering when any feeling, look or gesture even slightly arouses you. Hang on to these thoughts and feelings for dear life. Now, imagine -- lips, hands, breasts, textures and temperatures. Do this every day -- more than once is even better -- and you'll be simmering!

The good news is that you have a terrific woman in your life and hope for renewed good feelings and experiences. You need to build trust and confidence again. Confide in her, hold hands, touch, kiss and hug. Your lady's interest in you reinforces your feelings of desirability -- and that's always a turn-on.

To learn about medications and health practices that can recharge your sexual batteries, check into the ThirdAge Guide for the Healthy Male.

- - - - -

To read past Dr. Betty columns, go to the Ask Dr. Betty Archive.