Dear Suzie,
I've been married 16 years and I've never had an orgasm. My husband is extremely sexy; I am not. Do I retire to a monastery? --Anne
Dear Anne,
This is no one's fault. Approximately 26 percent of women report that they just don't experience orgasmic release.
It's a frustrating problem. I wonder if you have low self-esteem around body issues. Do your husband and friends think you're un-sexy? You might confide in a friend or two and ask them for some tips that might help you up your sex appeal so that you feel more like a frisky sex kitten.
For professional help, seek a doctor of psychology who specializes in sexology.
That said, you -- and only you -- are responsible for your own pleasure. This means that you'll have a little work to do, but you should be able to reap the rewards! To get you started, here's a to-do list that'll get you on your way to a more fulfilling sense of self and sexiness:
1. Sit down and have a really good conversation about this with your husband. Lack of communication is on the top of the list for causing libido problems.
2. Stop beating yourself up because not feeling good about yourself will only make things worse.
3. Drop the focus on the big O for a while. Be sensual. Learn to receive. This is so hard for so many women! We give constantly and put ourselves last. Be touched and learn not to do anything about it except moan!
4. Learn to relax. Take hot baths. Meditate. Why? Because another thing that gets in the way of the orgasmic response in women is worrying. We can't get the kids, bills, groceries, business, and on and on off of our minds.
5. Re-learn breathing. Deep belly breathing facilitates relaxation and calm.
6. Do your Kegel exercises. They facilitate the flow of blood to your genitals and keep your pelvic floor muscles healthy.
7. Seek out your pleasure points and have your partner focus his attention on your most sensitive, responsive spots.
Remember, our greatest sex organ is our mind, not our genitals. When we learn about our own sexual response cycle and give ourselves permission to have pleasure, we open up new worlds. Taking charge of your sexual pleasure will empower you in many ways that'll benefit you and your partner.
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Find out more about Kama Sutra, Tantra, and other sexual disciplines from Suzie Huemann at Tantra.com.
