And a crisis is a situation that, no matter what you do, change is going to happen. So, an individual who ends a long-term relationship -- and almost anyone who's single at midlife has done so -- is in a crisis. It follows that if you're single and dating at midlife, then both you and the people you meet and go out with are in some phase of your midlife crisis.
There are four stages to a midlife crisis. In each stage, there's a change in both the kind of relationship a person wants and what the person is capable of giving to that relationship.
First stage: Obliviousness
People in this stage are in shock. They're sort of nuts, actually! They're afraid of being alone -- and they're also afraid of being in a relationship. They repeatedly try new relationships using old methods that don't work.
Advice: Slow it down. This is the most difficult advice for people to hear: Calm down, take a break, stop and think. If it's desperation that's driving this relationship, do yourself and your friend a favor and stop it -- and the earlier, the better.
Second Stage: Waking Up
People in this stage need to take time to be alone to reflect and develop chaste friendships instead of seductive ones. Finally, they're learning to say "No" to what doesn't work when it comes to matters of the heart. But what they haven't figured out is what does work.
Advice: Take care of yourself. Don't think of this as the end of dating. Think of it as halftime. Create a coaching support system. Fill in the time you used to spend dating with something that satisfies you. Develop your same-sex friendships.
Third Stage: Looking Around
People at this stage start dating again, but it's different. They're in less of a hurry, more relaxed, more decisive, and more open. They're slower to have sex with a new person and less driven and demand and practice more honesty of themselves. They're able to say "No" to any relationship, but they aren't yet able to say "Yes." They're discovering what it is they really want and learning to say "Maybe."
Advice: Cut yourself some slack. Learn to become forgiving and correct yourself gently. Be open to learning things you never knew. Create a support system and use it.
Fourth Stage: Starting Anew
These are people ready for stable relationships. They know what is important to them in a relationship and what is not. They take full responsibility for their own participation. They're ready to say "Yes."
Advice: Ask for 100 percent of what you want. Speak up and listen deeply to create a conversation, which will govern your relationship.
For All Stages
People almost always overestimate their own level of maturity, but a relationship won't even take root unless the partners are in the same or adjacent stage. Someone in stage four, ready to commit, simply won't take someone who is oblivious, lost, and searching in stage one seriously. And someone just waking up in stage two won't be ready to fully commit and will back away from a relationship with someone in stage four. And even someone who's just looking around in stage three can be pretty tentative with stage-four people, while also finding stage-one people too crazy to deal with.
Finally, there's always a lot of truth spilling out during a midlife crisis. You've got to have faith in yourself and realize that if you're in crisis-mode, that it's a great opportunity to create the life you really want. As everyone who has made it through can attest, it really is all for the best. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
Psychologist, researcher, and coach Philip Belove, Ed.D. specializes in helping midlife singles create profoundly satisfying relationships for themselves.
