Divorce Remorse

Dear Dr. Betty,

After 13 years of mental abuse, no communication, manipulation, and sarcasm, I divorced my husband. He also had an affair and we tried therapy to no avail. Now after two years of an ugly, drawn-out divorce, I'm feeling guilty for leaving. Maybe I should have tried more, maybe we should have had more therapy? I think I should try again for the sake of my kids. Why am I so confused after two years? Everyone says my ex could never change, but I do see an improvement in him ever since he started to see a therapist and attend church. Why did he change now? My therapist tells me to remember what went on and what caused me to want a divorce. Am I crazy? --C.

Dear C.,

Divorce remorse. You're not crazy for feeling it and it's not uncommon, especially for those who share religious beliefs and have children at home.

Looking at your marital history can be confusing. Your husband's affair, his mental abuse, your lack of communication, and your failed efforts at therapy are cause enough to vote "Nay" to remarrying your ex. I'm sure your friends, relatives, and therapist have your best interests in mind by suggesting you stay away. Would it benefit you and your family to give your marriage another try?

Let's suppose you decide to give your marriage a second try. Your major challenge is learning to trust again after your troubled marriage and divorce. Will your ex have you and your children's best interests at heart? Will he intentionally avoid hurting you and be more available to you?

I'm assuming your husband wants to start a romance again. Don't make any commitments to remarry. Instead, you both need to commit to working on your relationship. Time is on your side so fill it up productively by doing the following:

1. Do an honest "self search." What was your part in your marital problems? No marriage, or its problems, is one-sided.

2. Marital therapy didn't help your relationship. Consider attending a marriage education course where the two of you will learn skills that can help re-create and maintain a healthier relationship.

3. Try dating each other again. Talk about the early years just before you married and the first years of marriage. There's nothing like newness, fun, and humor to perk up any relationship. After marriage and the kids, stale often becomes the operative feeling. Remember, you're going for new and fun!

4. Take your time, be patient, and take the pressure off yourself. You're exploring and questioning the chances for a successful remarriage.

In the process of searching yourself and working together as a couple, you will undoubtedly grow and can begin to trust yourself and your judgment. Then your confusion can dissipate and the decision to remarry or stay single will become clearer.