Courting a Widow

QUESTION: My question is about when and how to get better acquainted with a widow of four years who had a "wonderful husband" for 40 years -- and still keeps his recorded greeting on her answering machine so she can hear his voice. Is this unique? Or is it a common occurrence? Thanks in advance for your advice.

ANSWER: It is impossible to predict how long it takes to mourn a loved one and move on with life. This woman was happily married for 40 years; without question she still misses her husband. Although we don't know if keeping the voice of a departed spouse on an answering machine is common, we doubt that it's unique. By still being able to hear his voice, she may feel that a part of him still tangibly remains with her. It may help her to not feel alone. We actually find it extremely touching that this woman had such a fulfilling and loving relationship that she still finds it difficult to let go.

This tells you a lot about her. You know that she is capable of great loyalty and love. And so, to your question: How and when do you make your move? We gather that by getting "better acquainted," you want to be more than just friends -- you would like an intimate and meaningful relationship. However, friendship is a good place to start. Ask her to join you in something casual that you enjoy -- a museum exhibit and lunch, for example. The important thing is to get a chance to talk and get to know one another better ... and, on your part, to judge whether or not she seems ready to date. She may miss her husband a lot, and believe him irreplaceable, but she may also be ready, willing, and able to love again.

Keep in mind that you may be compared to her dearly departed, and one often comes in second when competing against a memory, especially when time and sentiment have erased some of the less than wonderful characteristics. Of course, until you get to know her you can't possibly understand how strongly she sentimentalizes her late husband. Did you ever see the amazing Alfred Hitchcock film "Rebecca"? If so, you remember that in this gothic tale, Joan Fontaine plays the second wife of a wealthy man (Laurence Olivier) whose first wife died a tragic death by drowning. Fontaine is haunted by the ghost of this woman, even more so because they live in the mansion he shared with her, and he even has many of her possessions still in the house. The insane housekeeper doesn't help, either. Needless to say, things aren't what they appear to be on the surface. The point is, you never know.

It may well be that your acquaintance is ready to have another relationship without in any way disrespecting or forgetting the memory of her husband. She just may like the sound of his voice and, yes, miss him, too. Does that mean that there isn't room in her heart for another great man? Not necessarily.

We know of a couple who are both widowed from people they dearly loved. They were also both married for about 40 years. When we're around this couple, it is clear that they are devoted to one another, having a terrific time together, and think they're extremely fortunate to have found love at this point in their lives. They speak openly and warmly about their late spouses and are both very respectful of one another's memories. The woman told us she once vowed that she would never allow herself to fall in love again, because she feared the pain of losing another loved one. In fact, it took a lot of persuading on the part of her current boyfriend to get her to take their relationship to a more serious level. And he didn't want to wait too long for her to come around, either -- in fact, he used lyrics from Kurt Weill's beautiful "September Song" (especially the line "I haven't got time for the waiting game") to help convince her. You already know that his plan was successful. He became involved with his current partner only a year or so after his late wife passed away, whose loss devastated him. It took him by surprise to meet a new love so soon. We remember him saying that he was amazed to find himself in love and in mourning at the same time. Love has a funny way of changing one's life.

It is certainly worth giving this a chance. Get to know her and see if you still feel as strongly that she may be the one, and find out if she is willing to take a chance. In "September Song," when the man sings to his potential new partner about his desire to share the autumn of his life with her, he says: "These precious days I'll spend with you." We wish you well.

Now, we need your help. If you are, or have ever been, in a sexless marriage orin a committed relationship where the man ended sex, we would love to hear fromyou. Please click this link, which will take you to our survey. We need thehelp of both men and women. A few minutes of your time can provide invaluable insight into a problem affecting so many marriages. It will only take you about 10 minutes. Thank you!^M

Have a question for Bob and Susan? Ask it here.

Thinking about dating someone who has lost a spouse? Don't miss our top five issues to consider when dating a widow or widower.

Are you the widow? Get expert advice on jump-starting your social life.

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