Bum Magnet

Dear Steve and Cathy,
I'm an attractive, voluptuous woman. I'm secure, fun-loving, independent, smart, honest and spiritual. Yet I attract men who are controlling, abusive, who seem jealous of me and who are just takers -- they always want me to give to them. I just don't understand what I am doing wrong. --M.

Steve says:
Without sounding like Dr. Laura, are you sure you're all those positive things you think you are? I've seen many women over the years (as well as self-help books) complain that there are "no good men" when, in reality, the women were more self-centered, pushy and angry than they realized.

So, for openers, take an honest look at yourself. Tell your friends that because you'd like to see yourself as others see you, you're conducting an experiment. Ask five of them to send you an anonymous answer to the question you posed to us and include our answer as well. Assure them that you're asking at least five of them to respond honestly and anonymously, and request their feedback during the same week. They'll need to feel safely anonymous in order to give you the candid feedback you need.

In fact, we'd all be better off if we had such feedback, so I'd encourage each of us to consider doing this as well. So often we see our problems as lying outside ourselves, when they usually emanate from within.

Beware, too, that strengths, overplayed, can become weaknesses. If you emphasize your security, independence and smarts in a relationship, you can come off as pushy, inflexible and arrogant. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, however. Keep the best of who you are. But be aware that those very qualities can become overblown as well.

Cathy says:
Steve helped you focus on yourself, but I'm interested in these men. Perhaps they also appear to be self-assured, independent and know-what-they-want kind of people. Then as the relationship progresses, their independence goes over the line and they insist that you be a certain way.

I sometimes see men who like an independent and capable woman because they can rely on her to not only take care of herself, but them too! These men are not skilled in reciprocal relationships where you give and take. Instead, they believe they are entitled to get what they want, when they want it.

They can also be somewhat rigid and have a difficult time seeing beyond their own needs. They may get resentful of other people's requests and expectations, and view everything as a demand, threat or challenge to their right to self-fulfillment.

But we don't have a right to always get what we want. We can make requests and set limits, but we also need to negotiate and learn how to manage frustration and disappointment when we inevitably have to adapt to the needs of others.

Take a closer look at the qualities of the men you are attracted to. Experiment with a new and broader list. You might like someone taking charge in the beginning because you have to go it alone so often. But what feels soothing at first can be suffocating later. Become more keenly aware of what you want and need in a partner and realize there's usually a downside to every relationship style. Be prepared for it.

The Bottom Line From Cathy and Steve:
1. Work on yourself, and the guys will be there. They perhaps already were.

2. Be proactive. Weed out potential partners first, before you get involved.