Attention Deficit in Marriage

Dear Steve and Cathy,
Lately, my husband of 17 years doesn't seem to have the desire to have sex with me. We have sex, maybe, once a month. He also has a very bad habit of looking at other girls, especially while we drive. When I get upset about it, he just simply denies that he is doing it. I love him so much, but sometimes I think that I'm trying too hard for his attention. Could this be a lot of worry for nothing? --L.H.

Steve says:
The
bad news is that it's sad and disappointing when the passion fades from
a relationship over time. The good news, according to the research, is
that it's entirely normal.

More good news: You already know what to do about it. Yes, you're
probably trying too hard for his attention. And yes, this could be a
lot of worry for nothing.

As we often say to couples, there are two ways to change how you
feel about your relationship. Either change how you talk to yourself
(your expectations), or change how you talk to your partner (your
communication).

Be realistic. Don't expect too much passion after 17 years. Work
for it, but don't get too attached to it. Some couples do manage to
pull it off, but they're a small exception to the rule.

Also, the harder you try, the more likely you are to push him
away. So lower your expectations and get your needs met in other ways.
We're not talking affairs here, but rather your women friends,
exercise, perhaps your career, and your friendship with your husband.
Become more alive and attractive yourself, both physically and
emotionally, and he may take a second look.

Cathy says:
I'd
add that it's pretty normal for men to look at other women, but as
Steve said, work on your own sense of attractiveness. Also, up the
communication between you and your husband. It's not easy, but you can
significantly decrease misunderstandings between you by talking more
openly about sex.

He might be going through a natural lull in
his desire due to stress or boredom. Don't take it personally. Give him
two ideas you've thought of to increase pleasure during sex, and ask
him if he has any suggestions or fantasies he'd like to try. Who says
you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Most of them love it!

If
he's the one who usually initiates sex, try approaching him first. But
remember that touching, cuddling and playfulness are all fun parts of
lovemaking, so take the pressure off and enjoy the journey. Remember,
too, that sex doesn't always have to lead to orgasm, particularly as we
mature.

Finally, focus more on the process of making love
rather than whether you're doing it enough. Sometimes we worry so much
about what's normal that we forget to enjoy the uniqueness of our own
sexuality.

The Bottom Line From Cathy and Steve:
1. It's normal for men to look at other women. Don't take it personally.

2. After 17 years together, be realistic about your sex life. Periods
of stress and boredom are par for the course.

3. Get excited about life yourself, and sometimes your partner will get turned on by the new you as well.

4. Talk and listen your way to better sex. Communication can clear up
misunderstandings and open up new avenues for sexual intimacy and
passion.

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Attention Deficit in Marriage - Health