Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Question: What are the signs that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship? A friend of mine has been married for years and feels like her husband is emotionally abusive. How does she know for sure that this is true?

Answer: Feeling uncomfortable with the quality of your relationship doesn't always mean your partner is fully responsible for causing it. Sometimes hurt feelings stem from old emotional wounds that haven't been resolved. Or, they may come from having unrealistic expectations of your partner.

To help sort out whether the ups and downs in your relationship are caused by your stuff or the fact that you're in an abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask:

• Do you feel that you put more energy into the relationship than your partner?
  
  
• Does your partner seem to use you as a security blanket rather than treat you as his primary love interest?
  
  
• Do you feel as if your partner keeps you dangling on a string? Does he seem to have all of the emotional control? Does this make your own life feel out of control?
  
  
• Does he attempt to blame his lack of romantic or sexual interest on your supposed faults and inadequacies? Does his critical attitude cause you to doubt your self-worth?
  
  
• Does your partner abide by a double standard where he expects your life to revolve around his schedule, and not the other way around, as if his life is more important than yours?
  
  
• Does your partner cover up or lie to you, causing a breach of trust in the relationship?
  
  
• Does your partner show a lack consideration for your needs and a lack of appreciation for your efforts?
  
  
• Does your partner try to frame you in the bad guy role by provoking you to anger, then point to your anger as an excuse for his behavior?
  
  
• Does your partner trample on your feelings? Does he put you down for your feelings instead of validating them?
  
  
• Does your partner attempt to dominate you and control the relationship?
  
  
• Does it feel as if your partner has taken you as his emotional hostage rather than as a cherished lover?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, you need to take stock of your position in the relationship and resolve to strengthen your sense of self-reliance and entitlement. These are the first steps toward getting yourself out of the victim role. Professional counseling can help you to gain the extra support you need to make important changes in your relationship and in your life.

Susan Anderson is the author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Berkley, 2000) and owner of AbandonmentRecovery.com.

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