Health
An Apology to Jump-Start the Heart
Remember when you and your partner felt so important to each other that time apart seemed like an eternity and time together never seemed long enough? Ever wonder what happened to that?
It certainly didn't happen on purpose. The two of you meant to keep your love connection strong, but just got busy with other things. Yet if you'd like a fresh start, there's a conversation you should have with your partner -- one that involves an apology.
If the bridge across any rift begins with a heartfelt apology, the bridge across a rift in intimacy begins with an apology for what your partner misses most from your relationship. Not surprisingly, men and women often miss different things: for women, it's being cherished; for men, it's being admired; for both, it's being appreciated.
Review the following apology scenarios, and consider how you might be able to work them into your own love-focused heart-to-hearts.
Gal to Guy
Ladies, take your guy aside and say to him, "Have I ever made you feel that I don't admire and respect you more today than when we first met?" (Nearly all guys have felt that your admiration and respect was replaced long ago by nit-picking and Monday-morning quarterbacking).
While he's still in shock with his mouth wide open, tell him, "Look, I know I take out on you the stress I feel with the kids, my job, our parents (select what's relevant for you). I do it because it's safer than going ballistic and becoming abusive, getting fired or alienating our parents. It doesn't mean that I don't think you're the greatest guy I've ever known, or that I'm not blessed to have you in my life. And if you didn't know that, I'm sorry for not telling you earlier or more often."
When your guy comes back to Earth from cloud nine, the two of you will have a running start on a terrific conversation.
Guy to Gal
If you're the guy, take your partner out to a quiet, cozy dinner and say to her, "Have I ever made you feel like you're not worth listening to?" (Nearly every woman has felt that way in her relationship.)
Chances are she'll be relieved that you actually know that you've hurt her -- without her telling you -- and that she'll be touched that you're now owning up to it.
Next, look into her eyes and say, "Just because I don't know how to listen in the right way doesn't mean that you're not worth listening to. And don't you let anyone -- including me -- ever make you feel that way. And one last thing (pause): I'm sorry."
Whoever reads this first should goes first. Then both of you should make a commitment to keep the dialogue going, to stop it whenever it veers off into a debate or diatribe, and to getting back on track.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
It certainly didn't happen on purpose. The two of you meant to keep your love connection strong, but just got busy with other things. Yet if you'd like a fresh start, there's a conversation you should have with your partner -- one that involves an apology.
If the bridge across any rift begins with a heartfelt apology, the bridge across a rift in intimacy begins with an apology for what your partner misses most from your relationship. Not surprisingly, men and women often miss different things: for women, it's being cherished; for men, it's being admired; for both, it's being appreciated.
Review the following apology scenarios, and consider how you might be able to work them into your own love-focused heart-to-hearts.
Gal to Guy
Ladies, take your guy aside and say to him, "Have I ever made you feel that I don't admire and respect you more today than when we first met?" (Nearly all guys have felt that your admiration and respect was replaced long ago by nit-picking and Monday-morning quarterbacking).
While he's still in shock with his mouth wide open, tell him, "Look, I know I take out on you the stress I feel with the kids, my job, our parents (select what's relevant for you). I do it because it's safer than going ballistic and becoming abusive, getting fired or alienating our parents. It doesn't mean that I don't think you're the greatest guy I've ever known, or that I'm not blessed to have you in my life. And if you didn't know that, I'm sorry for not telling you earlier or more often."
When your guy comes back to Earth from cloud nine, the two of you will have a running start on a terrific conversation.
Guy to Gal
If you're the guy, take your partner out to a quiet, cozy dinner and say to her, "Have I ever made you feel like you're not worth listening to?" (Nearly every woman has felt that way in her relationship.)
Chances are she'll be relieved that you actually know that you've hurt her -- without her telling you -- and that she'll be touched that you're now owning up to it.
Next, look into her eyes and say, "Just because I don't know how to listen in the right way doesn't mean that you're not worth listening to. And don't you let anyone -- including me -- ever make you feel that way. And one last thing (pause): I'm sorry."
Whoever reads this first should goes first. Then both of you should make a commitment to keep the dialogue going, to stop it whenever it veers off into a debate or diatribe, and to getting back on track.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
