Is your man a good person, but not one to cooperate on fixing your marriage woes? Don't just sit there waiting for him to come around! Here are 10 things you can do -- solo -- to improve your marriage:
1. Accentuate the positive. Think of three things for which you are grateful to you partner. They can be thoughtful or considerate things he did or hurtful things he refrained from doing.
2. Acknowledge the positive. Now, thank your spouse for his actions, acknowledging the effort they took and what the actions meant to you personally.
3. Take responsibility for hurt or disappointment you caused. Own up to what you did or failed to do. Tell your mate that you know it was wrong and make a commitment not to do it again.
4. Admit that you contribute to problems. It's difficult to feel self-righteous and humble at the same moment. If you're afraid that graciously admitting your mistakes will cause your partner to ungraciously jump down your throat, patiently persevere. Your graciousness may take a day to sink in before it softens your partner's anger and you're offered an olive branch in return.
5. Take the initiative to do something that will please him. Being proactive is almost always preferable to being reactive. So, think ahead of time of what you could do that would pleasantly surprise your unsuspecting lover.
6. Ask yourself what it's like for him. When you presume to know what your partner thinks -- when you really don't -- he may feel offended. Instead of getting defensive the next time you're having a problem, try saying, "I don't like where this is heading, but I realize that you may not like where it's heading, either. Is that true?" You'll discover that it's impossible to be angry and earnestly curious about your partner's feelings at the same time.
7. Improve your relationships with his friends and family. Nasty or irritable behavior around a spouse's family is a common cause of marital problems. Realize that your hubby may already have some awkwardness with these people and that you're only making matters worse.
8. Start and end each day with a hug. Do this even if you're not in the mood. It's a way of communicating that your relationship is bigger than anything else either of you are feeling.
9. Go to bed at the same time as your partner. Do this even if he falls asleep first (you can just get out of bed and read or watch television). It's another way of saying that the two of you belong together and prevents you from slipping into the habit of not going to bed at the same time, which can be a very difficult habit to break.
10. Keep saying, "I love you." It's truly sad how infrequently many couples say these words to each other. When they do, it's often because one is getting on a plane or going into surgery. Look for opportunities to say the words more often -- and say them from your heart.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
